Sunday, September 13, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
It. Is. Time.
It is time to end this blog.
I am starting a new blog.
I have been more faithful to this blog than any other ever before. Which, considering I posted like 12 times within the past year, sounds pathetic (But let the record show how faithful I was in 2007, 2008, OK?). I wish that I could keep on, because I have felt the most attached to this blog, more than any others. But whenever I sit down to write I feel such a block, like I'm scratching for something that is not there anymore. I don't think it is.
I do not think that the solution to lack of inspiration is to pick up everything and move to somewhere else on the internet, and I believe that cyberspace is littered with abandoned blogs, left for dead due to situations similar to my own. I do think that it is definitely necessary to grow, and I feel like I am going in a completely different direction than this blog. It sounds like I am breaking up, haha...but in a sense I am. This is the first blog that I felt that I hit a stride, and also one where I really felt connected to a community of friends with whom I could be both honest and funny. I still cherish that. Although I am abandoning this place of residence, I will gladly leave a note on the table to let you know my new address. I don't honestly have an angle or a spiel on what my next blog will be about. Perhaps there will be no more epic entries that spark a small internet following, or random observations about Tech life (what's left of it). Perhaps I will have more random obsessions with things like moving stairs, 3x5's, and family moments. Maybe I will never find out what marijuana smells like. I can tell you that this blog, the one to come, will....just....be.
Fresh starts are always nice.
I do hope you, dear friends, can come with me to my new place. Your opinions, critiques, and generally snarky comments have gotten me through the day many a time. I'll post the new link when I can, but in the meanwhile, it has been a wonderful 3 years here. I cannot think of a lovely quote or song lyric to end this post, but maybe I shouldn't, since this is not a good bye. I'd rather just end this post abruptly.
I am starting a new blog.
I have been more faithful to this blog than any other ever before. Which, considering I posted like 12 times within the past year, sounds pathetic (But let the record show how faithful I was in 2007, 2008, OK?). I wish that I could keep on, because I have felt the most attached to this blog, more than any others. But whenever I sit down to write I feel such a block, like I'm scratching for something that is not there anymore. I don't think it is.
I do not think that the solution to lack of inspiration is to pick up everything and move to somewhere else on the internet, and I believe that cyberspace is littered with abandoned blogs, left for dead due to situations similar to my own. I do think that it is definitely necessary to grow, and I feel like I am going in a completely different direction than this blog. It sounds like I am breaking up, haha...but in a sense I am. This is the first blog that I felt that I hit a stride, and also one where I really felt connected to a community of friends with whom I could be both honest and funny. I still cherish that. Although I am abandoning this place of residence, I will gladly leave a note on the table to let you know my new address. I don't honestly have an angle or a spiel on what my next blog will be about. Perhaps there will be no more epic entries that spark a small internet following, or random observations about Tech life (what's left of it). Perhaps I will have more random obsessions with things like moving stairs, 3x5's, and family moments. Maybe I will never find out what marijuana smells like. I can tell you that this blog, the one to come, will....just....be.
Fresh starts are always nice.
I do hope you, dear friends, can come with me to my new place. Your opinions, critiques, and generally snarky comments have gotten me through the day many a time. I'll post the new link when I can, but in the meanwhile, it has been a wonderful 3 years here. I cannot think of a lovely quote or song lyric to end this post, but maybe I shouldn't, since this is not a good bye. I'd rather just end this post abruptly.
Friday, May 22, 2009
skipping the sorry-for-not-posting statement
And heading right into summer.
Not sure if any other summer has the potential to age me as exponentially as the one that I have just stepped into.
I am taking summer classes as the final verdict, if anyone remembers my indecision all the way up until the first week of classes. This indecision stemmed from applying for a job that I really wanted, but I ended up not getting it. Thankfully, I squared away everything with summer school in the middle of my spring semester, so it was a Godsend to seamlessly transition to Plan B. Just two classes, Ecology and Computer Science, and I love the fact that they are both on TTh.
With the classes comes the commute. My schedule: wake up at 6:00, go back to sleep till 6:42, shower, make lunch and head out with my dad and Jeremy on his way to school. Once we drop Jeremy off I hop on the MARTA train for 27 minutes of wrestling with my heart against judgment and self-righteous feelings against my fellow MARTA patrons.
My Zune is away for repairs, so with no portable excuse for disengagement I find myself people watching on the train. People watching is fun, but then I begin to think about if people would ever find it interesting to people watch me. What would they see? Would they do a double take because of something I was wearing or of how my hair was styled? Would they steal glances just to get another glimpse of my facial bone structure or the book that I was reading? Because I totally do that....I wonder how it feels.
I arrive at the Midtown station and see that there is no Tech trolley waiting, as usual, so I walk to campus and study or read until my CS class. I realize that 2 hour classes are not awesome. I have no idea how my friends take full loads during the summer, because my attention span is struggling with my light load. I do like my classes a lot, though, and I enjoy the more relaxed aura of campus. The normal overhang of borderline suicide has been washed away with our excessive rain showers (on another note, out of the drought much? We have to be).
Once school is out I get back home by either MARTA or my parents picking me up after running their own errands in town. Speaking of which, I never realized how living 30 minutes outside of Atlanta would affect my life until recently. It seriously feels like a journey whenever we venture out of barely-Metro-ATL Fairburn, I feel like a backwoodsman venturing from the mountains to pick up enough goods to last for a few months every time (Seven Brides for Seven Brothers reference, I'll love you forever if you have seen this movie). To live at Tech is to live in the pulse of the city**.
My nights consist of me either being at home, struggling to do homework because it still feels like summer vacation, or being at some church related event. Double-dipping in two churches is a challenge, let me tell you, especially when you serve in one church more than the other, but you are expected at the other church just as much. This experience is teaching me a lot about spiritual calling...and also teaching me that I can't have my heart equally in both churches.
Which makes my recent (as in last night) decision to leave one church not in body, but in spirit, a little bit easier.
There will be a part II to this post, perhaps after breakfast. Stay tuned for more regarding
--my license
--writing for the Technique
--family group
**Speaking of where I live, this may change very soon...stay tuned.
Not sure if any other summer has the potential to age me as exponentially as the one that I have just stepped into.
I am taking summer classes as the final verdict, if anyone remembers my indecision all the way up until the first week of classes. This indecision stemmed from applying for a job that I really wanted, but I ended up not getting it. Thankfully, I squared away everything with summer school in the middle of my spring semester, so it was a Godsend to seamlessly transition to Plan B. Just two classes, Ecology and Computer Science, and I love the fact that they are both on TTh.
With the classes comes the commute. My schedule: wake up at 6:00, go back to sleep till 6:42, shower, make lunch and head out with my dad and Jeremy on his way to school. Once we drop Jeremy off I hop on the MARTA train for 27 minutes of wrestling with my heart against judgment and self-righteous feelings against my fellow MARTA patrons.
My Zune is away for repairs, so with no portable excuse for disengagement I find myself people watching on the train. People watching is fun, but then I begin to think about if people would ever find it interesting to people watch me. What would they see? Would they do a double take because of something I was wearing or of how my hair was styled? Would they steal glances just to get another glimpse of my facial bone structure or the book that I was reading? Because I totally do that....I wonder how it feels.
I arrive at the Midtown station and see that there is no Tech trolley waiting, as usual, so I walk to campus and study or read until my CS class. I realize that 2 hour classes are not awesome. I have no idea how my friends take full loads during the summer, because my attention span is struggling with my light load. I do like my classes a lot, though, and I enjoy the more relaxed aura of campus. The normal overhang of borderline suicide has been washed away with our excessive rain showers (on another note, out of the drought much? We have to be).
Once school is out I get back home by either MARTA or my parents picking me up after running their own errands in town. Speaking of which, I never realized how living 30 minutes outside of Atlanta would affect my life until recently. It seriously feels like a journey whenever we venture out of barely-Metro-ATL Fairburn, I feel like a backwoodsman venturing from the mountains to pick up enough goods to last for a few months every time (Seven Brides for Seven Brothers reference, I'll love you forever if you have seen this movie). To live at Tech is to live in the pulse of the city**.
My nights consist of me either being at home, struggling to do homework because it still feels like summer vacation, or being at some church related event. Double-dipping in two churches is a challenge, let me tell you, especially when you serve in one church more than the other, but you are expected at the other church just as much. This experience is teaching me a lot about spiritual calling...and also teaching me that I can't have my heart equally in both churches.
Which makes my recent (as in last night) decision to leave one church not in body, but in spirit, a little bit easier.
There will be a part II to this post, perhaps after breakfast. Stay tuned for more regarding
--my license
--writing for the Technique
--family group
**Speaking of where I live, this may change very soon...stay tuned.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Warrior
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down.
They don't know Who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Because deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child.
~Twila Paris
They don't know Who picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
Because deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child.
~Twila Paris
Monday, April 06, 2009
Remix: eAssuage
It's pretty funny that I found this. I think someone out there reads my blog...
...probably not. :-(
...probably not. :-(
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Other Shoe, Where are You?
So...
...I have been feeling really blessed lately.
Really, really blessed.
JCA had a prayer vigil recently, and for the first time I managed to stay awake throughout the entire service. Whether this is a testament to my maturity in Christ or the receiving of adequate rest the night before, I am not sure. I do know that P.Matt's message was so ridiculously applicable to my life at that point in time that I had trouble writing notes, out of my earnestness to not miss any convicting word. I entered into the time of prayer so moved that I had a hard time praying at first. There was so much pain, so much anger, so much frustration at God for the suffering that I have been going through, so much that I thought I'd aired out a long time ago. I found myself shouting at God, which was strange because after a while I felt like I began to shout at myself. The best way to describe it is that the words that I said bounced back to me in a different form. In this form I saw that God had been in the thick of these hard times, holding me through the fire, even while I tried to thrash and kick out of his grasp like a petulant child.
I really met with God that night.
Now I am back in my sphere, and it has been wonderful to know that God has followed me right into it. I find that He has been pervading my thoughts more and more, even when I'd rather that He did not. I feel so much peace walking to and from classes, to the point that I do not even have to play one of my favorite Christian songs on my Zune to remind me of God's grace and mercy--I feel like I'm swimming in it at every moment. God has been elucidating Scripture that was once too dull for me to mull over, causing me to just skim through to continue on my quest to finish the entire Bible. I truly do feel lost in Him.
Which honestly scares the crap out of me.
I remember in Uganda there was one night near the beginning of the trip where I woke up with the most gross, slimy, cold feeling ever. I tried my best to describe it in my journal that day:
That morning proved to be one of the most vulnerable moments of my life. I had no happy thought, no cute quote or practical saying to rescue me. I was powerless. All I could do was reach out for the hand of my Father as I sunk deeper into the ocean. All I could pray was for Him to save me. And He did. Again and again he did. But still I struggle.
I feel that I have a decent handle on things in my life. I feel secure in where I am and where I am going. I feel in controlllll... And now I stress about whether God plans to inconvenience me enough to guide me towards His path for me. I'd rather He just follow my practical itinerary. I am afraid of how He plans on accomplishing His will in my life. When the other shoe drops, I am afraid of losing what I hold dear. I don't want to hate my mother, or my father, for that matter. I don't want to sell all of my possessions just for a field. I am still debating about whether to die truly is gain...
....and yet, even as I type this, I realize that I am only kidding myself. I know that this is the good life. I know that my ascribed worth is all that I could ever, ever live for. Even as I try and brace myself for hard times, I am realizing that God wants me to rest in Him even in the good times. God's beauty is slowly--so slowly--but surely becoming the only object in focus in my life. Instead of analyzing every emotion and motive, He wants me to seriously just let go. He has me firmly in His grasp, and though I kick and scream I know that He will never leave me.
What can I say? I serve an amazing God. :) :) :)
...I have been feeling really blessed lately.
Really, really blessed.
JCA had a prayer vigil recently, and for the first time I managed to stay awake throughout the entire service. Whether this is a testament to my maturity in Christ or the receiving of adequate rest the night before, I am not sure. I do know that P.Matt's message was so ridiculously applicable to my life at that point in time that I had trouble writing notes, out of my earnestness to not miss any convicting word. I entered into the time of prayer so moved that I had a hard time praying at first. There was so much pain, so much anger, so much frustration at God for the suffering that I have been going through, so much that I thought I'd aired out a long time ago. I found myself shouting at God, which was strange because after a while I felt like I began to shout at myself. The best way to describe it is that the words that I said bounced back to me in a different form. In this form I saw that God had been in the thick of these hard times, holding me through the fire, even while I tried to thrash and kick out of his grasp like a petulant child.
I really met with God that night.
Now I am back in my sphere, and it has been wonderful to know that God has followed me right into it. I find that He has been pervading my thoughts more and more, even when I'd rather that He did not. I feel so much peace walking to and from classes, to the point that I do not even have to play one of my favorite Christian songs on my Zune to remind me of God's grace and mercy--I feel like I'm swimming in it at every moment. God has been elucidating Scripture that was once too dull for me to mull over, causing me to just skim through to continue on my quest to finish the entire Bible. I truly do feel lost in Him.
Which honestly scares the crap out of me.
I remember in Uganda there was one night near the beginning of the trip where I woke up with the most gross, slimy, cold feeling ever. I tried my best to describe it in my journal that day:
I feel like God is going to leave me...I want to serve God, but I don't want Him to leave me...how can a God so big, the one who made this beautiful African sky....how can He want to stay with a sinner, a horrible person like me? I feel like I still have one foot one the ground here on Earth, like I am trying to fly with leaden wings. Right now I feel like....I am fading into and out of reality, like there is something I am supposed to be reaching, but I can't touch it because my mind is pegged to everything that I know, to everything that I think that I should know....I feel restless, yucky, nauseated, weak.
That morning proved to be one of the most vulnerable moments of my life. I had no happy thought, no cute quote or practical saying to rescue me. I was powerless. All I could do was reach out for the hand of my Father as I sunk deeper into the ocean. All I could pray was for Him to save me. And He did. Again and again he did. But still I struggle.
I feel that I have a decent handle on things in my life. I feel secure in where I am and where I am going. I feel in controlllll... And now I stress about whether God plans to inconvenience me enough to guide me towards His path for me. I'd rather He just follow my practical itinerary. I am afraid of how He plans on accomplishing His will in my life. When the other shoe drops, I am afraid of losing what I hold dear. I don't want to hate my mother, or my father, for that matter. I don't want to sell all of my possessions just for a field. I am still debating about whether to die truly is gain...
....and yet, even as I type this, I realize that I am only kidding myself. I know that this is the good life. I know that my ascribed worth is all that I could ever, ever live for. Even as I try and brace myself for hard times, I am realizing that God wants me to rest in Him even in the good times. God's beauty is slowly--so slowly--but surely becoming the only object in focus in my life. Instead of analyzing every emotion and motive, He wants me to seriously just let go. He has me firmly in His grasp, and though I kick and scream I know that He will never leave me.
What can I say? I serve an amazing God. :) :) :)
Sunday, February 15, 2009
eAssuage
I have reached the conclusion that any and every difficult situation--namely an awkward comment made on a chat conversation, or a really difficult email that must be sent--can be mollified with the simple addition of a colon and a closed parentheses. A dash may also be added into this formula if you want to be fancy. Our generation is the IM generation, and what was once thought as a kind of a hokey and corny way to tell people how you feel on the internet is now a necessary addition to almost every conversation that is held online. I don't know about anyone else, but I use the smiley sometimes if I say (or type) something that comes off a little awkward, or if something that is not completely kosher escapes my fingers before common sense kicks in.
Exhibit A:
me: what are you doing tonight?
loserfriend99: I dunno, probably nothing
me:oh ok
loserfriend99: i dunno, it feels like none of my friends ever want to hang out anymore
me: hmmmm
do you think its b/c of your body odor, your fashion sense, or your lack of ability to sustain a conversation?
:-)
Just like that I have catapulted my backhanded insult into the land of sarcasm and tongue-in-cheek, where nothing can truly be taken personally. For all my friend knows I was just teasing, even though my actual intention was to share with them traits of their personality that I abhor. See? No one gets hurt. All with the stroke of 2-3 keys.
Exhibit B
boyfriend4ever: What do you want to do on Vday?
I'll do anything you want
I just rented out a 5 star restaurant in the city
afterwards we can stroll through the park.....
....where a 12 piece orchestra will be serenading us with all of "our songs"
but thats only if you want to
what do you think
.........
Pooky bear?
playersgottaplay72: Sorry, I don't think I'll be able to come....i was planning on going out with my other, more attractive boyfriend that night.....thanks though ;-)
What you are experiencing right now is the cognitive dissonance that the previous chat evoked. The girl managed to weasel her way out of a potentially messy break up with a one-liner, and her icing of choice on this cake of doom was the wink smiley, spunky cousin of the normal emoticon. The boyfriend wants to be angry, but her thoughtful gesture has convinced him the girl would totally do it if she hadn't had previous obligations. Are you getting it?
I know that I am preaching to the choir here, for you all are well-versed with the healing power of the smiley. I will just end this by saying that perhaps we can extend this magical tool into other arenas? Perhaps there would not be as much animosity between gangs on the streets if instead of signs, they threw up a ":-P!!" in an intense duel. Perhaps the divorce rate would reach a significant decrease if husbands and wives would hurl "wink! tongue out! mad face tongue out!" instead of insults at each other. Perhaps politics would not be so messy if opposing parties would just end every filibuster with a mutual smiley-exchanging session. I'm just saying.
We very well might have world peace on our hands.
Don't screw it up, losers :-)
Exhibit A:
me: what are you doing tonight?
loserfriend99: I dunno, probably nothing
me:oh ok
loserfriend99: i dunno, it feels like none of my friends ever want to hang out anymore
me: hmmmm
do you think its b/c of your body odor, your fashion sense, or your lack of ability to sustain a conversation?
:-)
Just like that I have catapulted my backhanded insult into the land of sarcasm and tongue-in-cheek, where nothing can truly be taken personally. For all my friend knows I was just teasing, even though my actual intention was to share with them traits of their personality that I abhor. See? No one gets hurt. All with the stroke of 2-3 keys.
Exhibit B
boyfriend4ever: What do you want to do on Vday?
I'll do anything you want
I just rented out a 5 star restaurant in the city
afterwards we can stroll through the park.....
....where a 12 piece orchestra will be serenading us with all of "our songs"
but thats only if you want to
what do you think
.........
Pooky bear?
playersgottaplay72: Sorry, I don't think I'll be able to come....i was planning on going out with my other, more attractive boyfriend that night.....thanks though ;-)
What you are experiencing right now is the cognitive dissonance that the previous chat evoked. The girl managed to weasel her way out of a potentially messy break up with a one-liner, and her icing of choice on this cake of doom was the wink smiley, spunky cousin of the normal emoticon. The boyfriend wants to be angry, but her thoughtful gesture has convinced him the girl would totally do it if she hadn't had previous obligations. Are you getting it?
I know that I am preaching to the choir here, for you all are well-versed with the healing power of the smiley. I will just end this by saying that perhaps we can extend this magical tool into other arenas? Perhaps there would not be as much animosity between gangs on the streets if instead of signs, they threw up a ":-P!!" in an intense duel. Perhaps the divorce rate would reach a significant decrease if husbands and wives would hurl "wink! tongue out! mad face tongue out!" instead of insults at each other. Perhaps politics would not be so messy if opposing parties would just end every filibuster with a mutual smiley-exchanging session. I'm just saying.
We very well might have world peace on our hands.
Don't screw it up, losers :-)
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