Murder Myra the Killer Care Bear

She'll smother you with love and a pillow.

Oh Leronia, how I miss you so.

I have an Inorganic Lab due in 3 1/2 hours. And I am blogging. Tsk tsk. I just have a lot on my chest.

I wish that I had had a strong support system last year, in my freshman year. I know that I had a lot of party friends, friends that I thought I could have come to in a clutch, and the fact is that I did. But I guess I always thought that if you were popular that meant that you were secure. That someone always had your back. How I was so wrong. I guess I sometimes look at my residents and wish that I had had that chemistry that they have with my hall last year--its so beneficial in the long run. I guess I wish I could have someone to run to and cry with without feeling like I was imposing. I thank God that he sent me people like that who did not necessarily live in my dorm, but I just wonder sometimes what life would have been like if I lived in a place like that my freshman year...if I would have been hurt as often...if I would have hurt others as often....if I would have made as many mistakes as I did. I do not regret....I just wonder.

I am learning love. Love is not something you do, I am realizing. It is something you are. Does that make sense? Sometimes I realize how selfish this thing that I have been calling love is, and it just makes me mad/sad/confused, because I always had in the back of my mind that love is ultimately looking out for number 1. Not so, Mister Chips. I have always thought that eventually if I "love" enough I will make enough connections that the world would not be so cruel. If I smiled enough, I would have more favors. If I joked around enough I would not have to face any more pain. If I just lived in service of others eventually I would enough people who wanted to live for me...and I would be golden. I don't know how to explain that more, I guess I just kind of thought that I would get to the point where I reaped the benefits of love.

I was so wrong.

I don't know how to love. I am weak and a selfish child. I have wanted everything for myself up until now. I wanted the benefits of a task that I wasn't doing right in the first place.

GOD is LOVE.

Why can't I understand that? Why am I having such a hard time realizing that it is not about me?

I am so fallible. I am so dirty. But God still loves me.

God STILL loves me.

Oh.....how much I want to be like Him.

I don't really know how to end this post so...yeah.

"For I am wounded
And unworthy
I am selfish
and untrue
But you are holy
You're the Healer
You forgave me
and made me new."
~Audio Adrenaline