Spiritual Pinata

This has been a crazy, crazy, crazy semester.

I think my emotions have been just one big roller coaster for the past couple of weeks. Everything was cranked from 0-100 mph in a very short amount of time, and the skid marks on my brain are evidence that I did not speed up accordingly. There have been times I think that I just want to leave everything and everyone that I love, and just ride on a escalator that neither goes up or down, just glides past the shambles that I fondly refer to as "my life". This desire to run away from everything is a coping mechanism, and it is also like a weird rash. It flares up every once in a while, but when it does it always feels like the first time.

But God....has been so faithful. I have felt the weight of my sins so heavily, to the point of weariness when I think about the consequences of my actions, or lack thereof. The point of reconciliation for many of the hurts that I have caused people has passed. The point of repair of the many transgressions that I have committed has long since expired. I am left with the rotten peels of these wrongdoings. I feel completely disjointed from everything I believe, and the little light in my heart dims almost to extinction.... But then there is always an instance, perhaps in the form of a kind word, a nice email, a good grade, or even sand in a bottle....God always sends little messages that remind me that this, along with everything in life, shall pass. He always picks me back up again, filling me with less of a spiritual high and more of an unspeakable joy that penetrates deeper and deeper into my heart's core with the passing of every situation. The deeper those roots, the closer I feel to God...and that is why I rejoice in the hard times.

Right now I'm more tired than I can remember ever being. I have had assignment after assignment, test after test, nonstop for over a week now. I have not slept in my bed in a couple of days. I am pulling through to the last minute, and although it is hard, I see that God keeps steering me back to the right place, directing me like a blindfolded child back to a spiritual Pinata. His glory will totally be shown in the end, and all I can say that I was privileged to witness it. I can't wait to sleep tomorrow night, but until that time comes, I will rest in Him. When I was in Uganda and I wanted to wake up early to do my quiet times, I found myself always repeating "I don't need sleep...I need Jesus." As extreme as that is, I think I need to adopt that stance again. When the rug of physical comforts is yanked out from under my feet, it is those times that I can see clearly where my strength lies.

Yesu Opaki forever.



*When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you
I needed you...*
~Relient K