Dead, Weak

So I have been feeling numb all week. We are smack dab in the middle of Dead Week, the week at Georgia Tech right before finals. Teachers allegedly do not give out any tests, quizzes, or new material this week, and it is supposed to be a time that we breathe before we get slaughtered by our finals.

And I have no motivation to study.

I have been goofing pretty much all week, leaving my work to the last minute. I do not have many finals, and I am secure in most of my classes, which leads me to my indifference. I have had a pretty rough semester, doing a lot of soul searching, etc, so I really want to just stop. I do not feel like I can press on for the final stretch. I feel like the kid in the marathon who collapsed at the cooler three feet away from the finish line. It's all in the head, but the mind is a powerful tool.

I type this with my Bible sitting next to me, and I want to open it, but sometimes I feel like I open my Bible and read from it just because I can fulfill my Christianly duties. I wish this was not the case, but I truly am struggling.

But it is a good type of struggle. I feel like I have seen God this semester more than any of the previous ones. I have felt Him take over areas of my life that I have struggled in, areas that I only reluctantly surrendered to Him. I have felt His love more than ever. But the thing is, I don't want to live based on feelings. I truly want to seek His face. And if by seeking His face I have to face the fact that I am completely incapable of finishing this semester without him, then I know that everything that I am feeling right now is just another realization of the grace by which I have true life. As church-y as that sounds, I mean it. I cannot do this by myself.

Dear Reader, whoever you are, please remember the cross. Please remember the life that we have in Jesus. Life is futile, life is worthless....life is nothing without Jesus. You have to believe me.

*Give me Jesus, give me Jesus, you can have all this world, but give me Jesus.*

random thoughts on a friday morning when i should be studying or asleep

--Free t-shirts rock my world.

--I am going to try and only wear free t-shirts for the rest of the semester.

--I got 4 free tshirts in one week. SCORE!

--Why do my eyeballs throb when its this late at night?

--Why does Sprite turn green in your stomach after you drink it?

--Why did I have to vomit today to find this out?

--I hate the fact that I get motion sickness.

--I'm in denial about the fact that I get motion sickness.

--I don't get motion sickness.

--I don't like to eat mushy things. They make me gag.

--Will the fact that I hate mushy food become a problem in Uganda?

--I wish I was a natural at Physics.

--I wish I wasn't afraid of heights.

--I'm too dark for henna tattoos.

--I like to be right more than I should.

--I wish business would win over pleasure more often.

--I don't like texting that much, only to a select few. It takes too much work, and my fingers get tired.

--Don't take it personally when I don't text back. I'm just lazy and I feel that it is too much effort to respond.

--I like it--nay, I love it-- when people call me.

--Facebook. Oh Facebook.

--No, seriously. My eyes are throbbing.

--I am pretty darn selfish.

--It was weird seeing you today. Like that. It was hard, but humbling.

--I miss you, my friend. Why did you do that to your family? I am praying for you, my love. My sister.


And now it is time to sign off.

oh snap

I keep hearing about the massive religious movement that is being spearheaded by Oprah and another one of her man-slaves, a new guy by the name of Eckhart Tolle (what happened to her gopher Dr. Phil?), but I didn't want to believe it. Not that I like Oprah or anything, it just sucks because she does hold so much influence over so many women these days. Well see for yourself, and make your own opinion.

But always remember 1 John 4:1-5.


Yes, I am having a lots of fun with hyperlinks.

SBNAL: Start the Revolution

SBNAL = "Smiling But Not Actually Laughing".

This new acronym is the savior to the ailing overusage of the phrase that we all know as LOL, or "laughing out loud" for those who have been under a rock for the past 8 years. The aforementioned phrase is one that has become so popular that it has crawled out of the acceptable arena of typos that we know as Instant Messaging and has made its way into our common vernacular. This word has become a terror to clueless parents and frazzled English teachers alike, and frankly, it should be stopped.

However, I do not call for complete eradication of the acronym in question from our day-to-day speech; when used in the appropriate context it provides a universal inside joke for the millenial generation. My frustration actually does not lie in the fact that it is overused per se. I am more perplexed by the fact that when one writes--or utters-- "LOL" they more than likely ARE.NOT.LAUGHING.OUT.LOUD.

And just like that, a tiny phrase, a mere initialled word has turned our youth into a generation of LIARS. LIARS, I TELL YOU. This must be stopped. Our children are the future, the hope for tomorrow, and if something as little as a mere phrase is going to corrupt and demoralize the very fiber of what the future has to offer, then God help us, we are screwed.

Oh, the humanity.

I present to you a solution, a remedy to this acronym. SBNAL is a phrase that can be typed with just a little more effort than it takes to write "g2g", and MUCH MUCH less effort than it takes to write "ROTFL" (which is a WHOLE nother issue, because i have yet to perform the described action after reading a humorous comment during an IM chat). More than anything, SBNAL allows the conversationist the freedom of using a few facial muscles to express their amusement instead of buckling under the social pressure of mustering up the strength to generate actual laughter, even if it is for only a warm chuckle. It is effortless, it is moral, and it is true.

Please use the amendment well, for woe is the day that it falls into the category of the annoying or the obsolete, where timed phrases such as "Far out", "Groovy", "As If" and "Psyche" have suffered a very ill fate. I willingly give SBNAL to you. Use it wisely. Tell your friends.

Postscript:
Accolades to a Mr. Cantrell, who actually came up with the acronym.

LOL, hahaha, ROTFL, JK

Are all phrases that are overused in everyday IM speak. Please refrain from using them in my presence.

J/K.

I think the only one I don't like is LOL.....because more than likely I'm not laughing out loud. I'm just saying that to keep the conversation going. And you know what? You probably aren't LOL-ing either. So don't write it. OK I'm done.

Green is the New Black

SO this whole green phase has me really wigging out. Everywhere I look it's reduce carbon emissions this or turn your light off that or make sure you don't throw away that recycle you insensitive freak or don't eat that, baby turtles in the Island of Yap are going to grow an extra toe. It's madness, I tell you. Now, let me clarify, I'm not upset at the cause at all. I actually consider myself to be a conservationist, and I think I will always be. After all, God calls us to be stewards of this beautiful Earth that He has blessed us with. I believe there are certain measures that should be taken in order to maintain this planet we call home.

But I loved the Earth before the hype.

So yes, I'm a little bitter. It bothers me that people are beginning to conserve as a massive effort. I am ecstatic that it is so popular, but I'm kind of worried about when the craze dies down. I mean seriously, the Earth is something that we have to always conserve. You can't just let it go out of fashion....it's pretty much a lifestyle. When people realize that, for the rest of their lives, they are going to have to bring their own bag to the grocery store, or save all of their used office paper/newspaper, or never buy bottled water again, or pump their tire gauges regularly, or keep the thermostat high in the summer and low in the winter.....will they?

They won't.
And that's the REAL Inconvenient Truth.

I do believe that it is a valiant effort by corporations to push conservation, but using a vague motivation such as "global warming" is not going to keep people inspired forever. Once someone says that the Globe don't warm no more, people are going to run out and buy the biggest Hummer they can find. OK that was really pessimistic. Don't worry human race, I still love you. I'm just saying, guys, isn't it a lot easier to hop on the band wagon of mass hysteria than to actually sit down and realize how serious a problem this is? Wouldn't it be better if you do your own research to find out what you can do to take care of our Earth instead of letting every massive media machine feed shallow solutions to you? Behavior modification does not = lifestyle change. Let's get serious about this stuff. If you want to really rock the boat with conservation, just do it. Don't brag about how many trees you saved with one stack of newspaper (btw, a 3-foot stack saves one tree). Instead, just do it. People may not notice it, but hey, that's the price of doing something right.

*Removes soap box from underneath herself and says*

I'll try to keep the rant-y posts to a minimum....I just had to get that off of my chest. I'm good now.



*Don't it always seem to go,
that you don't know what you've got till
it's gone
They paved paradise to put up a parking lot.*
~Joni Mitchell

~

I keep meaning to

blog, but there is always something more lazy that I can be doing.

Spring Break is pretty awesome. I can't believe it is almost over. I have found that is a lot easier to be lazy than to do something productive with my life. I don't really regret being completely slothful, but at the same time I should really study for my upcoming tests. I can't believe that blogging is a leisure activity at school, but it upgrades to a chore at home. Even as I type this I feel like I am sifting through a heavily sanded beach to find the right thoughts to put here. Huh.

On the bright side, I found a check made out to me from two years ago that I have not cashed. I thought I did, but I guess not, and the check is pretty sweet, so I'm not complaining.

Also, DVR is the devil. My sister saved around 5,000 shows for me and Amanda to watch, catch up on, and get addicted to over break. Let me explain to you that I do not watch TV at school. My TV is sitting next to my desk because the effort that it takes to hook up the TV to the wall and to use the nonexistent power button in order to turn on the TV (in other words, I stick a knitting needle in the electrical appliance and hope for the best) is not worth the reward of watching a sometimes-clear picture with only a one-way channel button. It just isn't. So now that I am here at home I find myself watching shows that I would bash on any other day. I'm slipping, but it is a wonderful fall. I told myself that whenever the opportunity presents itself I would read a book from my somewhat-extensive reading list instead of watching TV. Although I have finished one book, the call of TV has won almost every time.

Darn the convenience of the Television Set, and blessings and curses to the Genius whose brainchild is DVR.

I'm going to go find something to do.

~~

Love, where is your fire?

A special song from a very special friend.... :D


Love, where is your fire?
I've been sitting here smoking away
Making signals with sticks and odd ends and bits
But still there's no sign of a flame

Imposters have been passing
Offering a good-feeling glow
But I'm holding out for what you are about
An inferno that burns to the bone

Some urge me to be temperate
Lukewarm will never do

CHORUS
`Cos I, I wanna blaze with you
So I'm holding my heart out to you
Holding my heart out


So I stand, handing out torches
Speaking words that are lamps to their feet
`Til the time when you come and I'm whole and we are one
And the fire in me is complete

Some tell me to be moderate
But lukewarm will never do

CHORUS

Then a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind
That I'll offer you me and you'll politely decline
So I hasten to mute it
I'll shout and rebuke it
Away

selfish mood

is what I am in today.

How many Tech students does it take to read a book?

3: One to open it, one to write a code for it, and one to make fun of the Ivan Allen College for having to actually read the book for credit.

So I was in a non-academic mood at the library, and I decided to peruse through the leisure books that they have at the school. It is really sad, our leisure book section, because it is way up on the 4th floor, and every book smells really old. Which is because every book is really old. I think that they think that we as science/analytical/randomly-minded students would be so busy with our computer-programming and our research and our experiments and theorems and our everything else that we would actually mind reading a book that does not count for a grade or extra credit. I don't know. It is sad, though, because before I came to college I used to read around 25-30 books a school year. Ever since college I've probably read about 15 in the past two years. I'm slipping.

Well I usually hate the smell of old books but today I risked my life and checked out Uncle Tom's Cabin and White Oleander. I originally searched for The Awakening, but I had to go to this extra-special building for it, the Archives building. It was sketchily placed next to the library where you can tell no one comes in--or at least not often--because when I walked in I had to walk down the stairs to the front desk, and the whole time I swear everyone in the ENTIRE building stopped everything and stared, the excitement of actual human contact lighting up their eyes with glee. That is, until they told me I could not take the book out of the building. I told them not to worry about it, and they said OK, and I said have a good day, and they were like OK, and then I just walked out.

Great story.

So then I tried to find Ender's Game, which allegedly was on the 4th floor of the library, but it wasn't, those liars. I stared at the exact section of the shelf where it was supposed to be, but the more I stared the more it just wasn't there. But the cool thing was when I looked through the books and I saw Samantha sitting on the other side of the shelf. It was sort of like a movie, except Sam wasn't a cute guy/the man of my dreams, and I am not some clumsy quirky cutie who stumbles her way into the man's heart through an hour and a half of romantic comedic antics. But it was still nice. Apparently she tried to find the same book a year ago, but to no avail.

I am under the sneaking suspicion that Georgia Tech doesn't want us to read. They want us to crank equations out like there is no tomorrow, but they don't want us to lose ourself between the covers of an old classic. Well I say to heck with that. I will read my books, and I will enjoy them, even if it kills me. Take that, Mr. the Man. Consider this being my way of sticking it to you.



Dear Reader: Please make sure that I actually read these books, and that I don't just keep them on our bookshelf until the last day of school. Please and thank you...

Do you ever feel like you are talking to God through something like a muffled funnel? I guess sometimes it feels like I'm talking and then I realize that I just talked to a brick wall for about 15 minutes. Sometimes I ask God to be near but I realize He never left....I just walked away from Him. I kind of get the scene of a child walking hand in hand with their parent, but then the child sees something enticing, like a toy or a person or something shiny....the child wrenches their hand away from the parent with such intensity that the parent has no choice but to loosen their grip. The parent calls after the child but the child's hearing is impeded by the object of obsession. The child runs to the desired thing and like that the bubble bursts, and the child is left teeter-tottering on a ledge. At the moment's desperation the child has to cry out to the parent. The parent comes to save the child in a heartbeat. The child jumps in the parent's arms, crying because of the near-death experience. The parent's love for their child is one that overshadows the anger for the child's disobedience...this love is one that can not be explained.

I guess that's what I think about when I see God. He is so loving to Us. He doesn't save us from the ledge because He has to. He gave us Jesus because He wanted to be near us. His grace is truly new every morning.

Mind-boggling, isn't it?

Track 2, Scene 2

So I got an mp3 player for Christmas. Nothing spectacular, not an iPod or a Zune or anything, but it holds music. I was at first turned off by the blatant pink color (fyi I don't really like pink things), but after a while it grew on me. I think I remember someone said that having an mp3 player is like having a soundtrack to your life. Or was that the name of facebook group? Irregardless (which is a word), I am going to have to agree with those words of wisdom. Whenever I walk down the street I kind of pretend now like I am in the middle of my own biography, and that somewhere there is a camera that is panning around my head, listening to my thoughts, and then there is a slow zoom out, and then fade into the credits. Seriously. Although it would get kind of awkward when I go to class or something. People might get jealous of my camera crew, please no paparazzi. OK it's late and I have a 9:00. I'll shut up now.

IC goes bizarre

So I really like the cause Invisible Children and everything it stands for, but I thought their holiday video was a little bizarre. I don't know, the whole marriage between hip-hop elves in super cool hoodies, break-dancing (yes, break-dancing) in front of a TV screen that shows clips of crying children and child soldiers with the random Santa cameo was a bit much. Way to make a grassroots organization go all mainstream....if you can call it that. Hmm....you be the judge.

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/theMovie/media/

"Anemic????"

"What do you mean, anemic?"

The lady avoided my eyes as she handed me several sheets of paper with headings such as "How to get your Iron counts back up!!" and a sticker that said "Be nice to me, I TRIED [in bold] to give blood today!" and a really official letter with the huge DEFERRAL word on it. I was kind of giddy about going to give blood yesterday, too. I know most people like to give it because you save 3 lives with every pint, blah blah blah. I just personally like to watch the blood leave my body. I kind of wish they would take more. But then again, I have always been that weird kid who loves to go to the doctor and who likes shots. Please don't ask me why. So while I was sitting in the waiting area before examination, I kind of had a stuck-up attitude for no apparent reason other than the fact that I have given blood twice before. "Do you want to read this?" The guy next to me asked, extending in his hand towards me the thick pamphlet of Blood-giving FAQs, which posed as not the most appealing piece of literature to read at the time. "No thanks," I sniffed, doing my best Gabor attitude, "This is my third time." With that, I casually pulled out "Wicked" and assumed the position of an experienced philanthropist. I just knew today would be just another day that I saved the world.


10 minutes later I was walking out the door, the only evidence I had to show for my blood fiasco being one Bandaid on each middle finger.
DARN YOU, EVIL PRICK MACHINE. I flick you off with my bandaged appendages.

Anyhoo, the thing that weirded me out the most was that I have given blood before, twice to be exact, and I have never run into this problem. I wanted to know why they didn't want my blood. Naturally, since the answers to all of life can be found on Wikipedia, I went there and typed in "anemia". Scroll, scroll, scroll, etc. etc., apparently tea inhibits iron absorption. Literally the first negative thing that I have heard about tea. Ever. Considering that I have been averaging 2 cups of tea a day for about 6 months now, and lately that's all I have been drinking (other than water) it's kind of weird because now I have to change my ways. I don't want to be anemic. I am kind of treating it like a cold, but I know that I should probably care about it a little more. Oh well. Maybe I'll take the iron pills....apparently they enhance other things other than your iron count. We will see...



Rest in Peace, Patrick Verona.

Ode to Champ

I just realized today--OK, just now--that I went through an entire semester and I never truly dealt with the running-away of my dog Champ in August. I don't know why I didn't. It's weird how I found out about how he left. Here is a paraphrase:

{Scenery: My living room, Fall Break has just begun and I and my siblings are sitting around, chatting about life, etc. My Dad walks in}

Dad: I have some chores for you guys to do.
Children: [insert protests and whines]
Tamara: Haha, just don't make me feed Champ and I'm OK.

[silence]

Other Children: Too soon, Tamara.
Tamara: [insert confused look]
Kim: Wait, you were serious?
Tamara: [sensing something is not right] Yeah...why?
Kim: Champ ran away over a month ago. He left while you were in [awesome] Housing training and while the rest of us were in [even awesomer, much cooler than Training] Memphis and Missouri. We thought you knew.
Tamara: [insert sadness and devastation]

{End Scene}


I think that was quite possibly the worst way I could have found out about my dog leaving. Mad props to my family for bringing that one about. He was an awesome pet...we had him since he was 6 weeks old, and we kept him for 8 years. He was really sweet and rambunctious. He was like my dad's 5th child. Actually I kind of got a sneaky feeling every once in a while that my dad wouldn't have mind replacing us for Champ if it was possible. Just every once in a while though. I am writing this because my sisters and I were considering buying my parents a puppy for Christmas, but we knew that it would probably be a good idea to seek their approval first, considering that they would be the ones taking care of the puppy. Their vehement response of "NO" made me think about it, and I realize that my parents really loved Champ, especially my dad. I guess everybody needs time to heal...and a puppy is not the answer for everything. Although it should be. So here it is, my tribute to Champ.

[insert revered silence]





This is us giving Champ a bath in July. BTW, if you have seen a dog that looks like this, please let me know...

World Inside a Picture Frame

I was walking down the street just now after my class was over and I was overwhelmed by the breathtaking view of the Atlanta skyline. I always carry my camera around now--you never know when you'll need it, after all--but for some reason when I began to reach for my camera something stopped me. I was reminded of that John Mayer song "3x5", which basically talks about how you can't fit the world inside of a picture frame. It makes a lot of sense, I guess. I've tried the whole "capture a picture right when the mood hits you and the lighting is just right", but I am starting to think I suck at that. Once the camera is pulled out, the angle is right, the light has hit the target perfectly, and the shutter is snapped, I hit the review button and the picture is just lines and color and not what I wanted at all. SUCKS.

At least, this is how I used to feel. For my dad's birthday, my sisters and I bought my dad a digital camera (actually Kim bought it, and I still owe my portion, but please don't tell her that). Naturally my father was as pleased as punch, for up until now he had been taking pictures with his camera phone, which got to be embarrassing, to say the least...but cute, because it was my dad. Anyhoo, after we had our fun with the camera (the proof is in the facebook pictures) we let him have fun with his new toy. My family minus my little brother spent the day together a couple of days ago, and when my dad came to pick me up he handed me his camera (of course not without snapping few pictures of me getting in the car, please no paparazzi). My mother mused that my dad had been taking pictures all morning, snapping them while he was driving*. Although I laughed a little at my dad's eagerness and childlike joy, I could not help but gasp when I looked at the photographs on the screen. There was nothing particularly spectacular about the photos....in fact, most of them were taken at a jaunty angle due to the fact that my father was trying to handle a steering wheel at the same time*. There was something about the way that the simplest parts of life--i.e. the drive from my house to campus--were captured with such innocent truth. It was thrilling. Something about the way that my world could be taken apart and reassembled piece by piece and still look beautiful....the individual pieces were puzzles in themselves...it really touched my heart. And my dad is so cute! You should meet him if you haven't. But yeah, my conception of what a picture should be was pretty much shattered then and there.

I am starting to learn the value of a photograph. A photograph is a memory, a bite-size portion of life...meant to be imperfect, meant to be slightly off-balance, meant to make sense to few if any people. This is something that must be accepted.


I just wish I hadn't accidentally deleted 94 pictures on my camera. That really sucked.


Is it truly Christmastime?


*Disclaimer: The author of this blog does not condone nor encourage this activity.


Today I finally overcame/trying to fit the world inside a picture frame/maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to lose my way with words...
~John Mayer, 3x5

I Really

need to find out what marijuana smells like. You know, so I won't be the laughing stock anymore. If anybody has a joint or some brownies that they don't need...

hook me up.

I Wait by Beth Elliot

I wait.
Dear Lord, Thy ways
Are past finding out,
Thy love too high.
O hold me still
Beneath Thy shadow.
It is enough that Thou
Lift up the light
Of Thy countenance.
I wait--
Because I am commanded
So to do. My mind
Is filled with wonderings.
My soul asks "Why?"
But then the quiet word,
"Wait thou only
Upon God."
And so, not even for the light
To show a step ahead,
But for Thee, dear Lord,
I wait.

~

I don't like animals...unless they are genetically engineered...to taste good.
~Tiara

COFFEE

Illegible words
form on the lines
of the tongue
detach themselves from reason
and plunge their way
through the lips
and fall upon
reasonable ears
and yet nothing
happens
......
Oh
the power of
caffeine.