Suitcase of Memories

Dude. My dad stepped on my glasses this morning. Even as I type right now I am constantly readjusting my frames so that my one-legged babies can readjust to their current crippled status. I didn't mean to fall asleep last night with them on...I just remember watching Futurama, and then all of a sudden it was morning. I wonder though.....I have been asking my parents for some new frames....and I have gotten tired of these ones.....in fact, I am thinking about switching to contacts....was this an indirect ploy by my subconscious, a scheduled plan by the ID inside of me to get rid of the old and bring in the new???? I wonder...

All I know is that I can't drive without glasses, so I need to come with the a solution. ASAP.

My family visited with my great aunts and uncles yesterday after church. Other than the fact that I was the one that had to drive all the way to Grayson, Ga, it was a lot better than I expected. I remember when I was younger, like in my early teens, I would always grimace when we had to go call on older relatives. I think it was because I was caught in the awkward age where you were too old to get money just for looking cute but too young to get advice on life or other stuff. I basically felt like it was a stare-down match between people who were too old to understand me and too old to care. I guess since I am getting older and maturer, I can only be happy that my eyes are being opened more and more to what a blessing family is. When we were there, although I did not get to talk that much with my aunts and uncles (I actually napped a little bit), it was the atmosphere of family ties that really got me. I loved sitting there, listening to my 82-year-old aunt talk about life, love, and her aspirations of marriage (since she has never been married). I loved listening to my uncle talk about his old church in New York, and how it was pastoring for so many years. I even loved when they made us grandchildren stand up there like the von Trapp family singers, singing "Oh Lord, How Excellent". But my favorite, favorite part of the evening was when everyone gathered around in my uncle's family room and sang "I Love You Lord/Sweet Holy Spirit". I loved how there were so many generations of one family in one room, singing praises to the Lord. It seemed as though the minor grievances that were ever an issue weren't even important because blood IS thicker than water. It was beautiful, and I hope I can remember that moment forever.

As I get older and look back on all of the time that I wasted trying to be older, trying to have more responsibility, just trying to lose time, I realize that life is so much better when it's taken one day at a time. So that's what I'm going to do. Starting now. Well, maybe tomorrow.

I read "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom in basically one sitting yesterday. This is a good book to read to if you don't understand what I am talking about when I say "carpe diem". In fact, that book is required reading for anyone that reads this post. Haha, suckered you into that one. Let me know how you like it.


*Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.*
~Mark Twain

Running too Far Ahead

I realize that I am very paranoid about sharing things, especially on the Internet. I think this is a valid concern, but sometimes I feel hindered in my blogging, especially on this blog. I have a lot of feelings, and sometimes I wish that I could just type them without worrying that someone is going to take what I've written and run away with it. I am afraid to feel vulnerable about the one thing that I know that I can truly call my own. This is why I don't post my poems on this blog (or any blogs, for that matter). MY ultimate fear is that I post my poetry and one day I will see it on someone else's site, and that person is taking all of the credit for my life story. The very thought of this possibility really irks me......I mean really irks me.

And yet, I still feel the need to vent. I still want to share what I want to share without worrying about how someone will use the things that I say. I just want to say things without thinking that I am not making any sense or worse, that I am making too much sense.

But I guess that's why God gave us tongues. I think I shall go vent to one of my unwilling sisters.

*2 AM and I'm still awake writing this song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to...*
~Anna Nalick, "Breathe (2am)"

Confusion is Nothing New

So. Camp Wannaklot. Fricking awesome. I kind of hate to talk about it right now because I am still pretty teary about it. But definitely, DEFINITELY this was one of those experiences that I am going to carry with me for the rest of my life. I have definitely decided that if I am in the country next year this time around next year, I am going to do it. And if anyone else is in the country and they are over the age of 18, they should too. Period. No excuses.

So...very interesting, this feeling in my heart, in my soul....I wonder if my mind and my heart are currently at peace. I think everything can and will be resolved if I read my Bible. Yup, that's what I'm going to do.

I had a great talk with two of my fellow counselors on one of the days of camp. We were talking about biblical courtship and the un-necessity (new word, like it?) of dating around because of the consequences, etc. It's always nice to talk to Christians--I mean people who honestly seek after God--because if your heart is honestly seeking after the Lord, you can almost always recognize the kindred spirit of another Christ-Seeker. I think that is awesome. This is the quote the surfaced in our empowering talk:

*A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man must seek Him to find her.*

True....true.

I think I'm going to get some ice cream.



p.s. I think I used the word "seek" at least 5 times in this post. Rock on, Tams, ROCK ON.

Note to Self

I have decided what my wedding song is going to be. I hope my husband is OK if we play "Time after Time" at our reception. I have been thinking about what song was going to play, but I now know. Thank you, VH1's "100 Greatest Songs of the 80's".

Word of God Speak

You can not tell me that my God is not real. A man who has never seen a sunrise, who has never heard a bird sing, who has never witnessed via the carnal senses the glory of the Lord.....this man still has felt the presence of the Lord. Leonard still knows the power of our God and he knows the power of his wonderful name........what kind of love is this? Thank you, Jesus.

Fingerprints of God

It has been a while since I have blogged. Instead of wasting time talking about how much I missed it, I won't.

Run, thoughts, run.

I have been having a grand old time for the past couple of weeks. I hate the new "Weakest Link"....the host is so obnoxious. And not funny. I am kind of excited about getting to vote in the upcoming election. It feels great to let my voice be heard.

I really liked Philadelphia. It was so refreshing to be in a place of hundreds of other Christians who were my age, just praising and worshiping the Lord. I loved it because being there helped me to remember that God does know my name, and he does have a specific plan just for my life....

I am starting to care more and more about those who have never heard the name of Jesus/have no idea of Its significance. I guess this makes sense since I am a Christian and everything, but I think I am starting to get to the point where I kind of just want to get out there and do something. Seriously. Someone once told me a long time ago that I was going to be an activist when I got older. I didn't believe them till today. Go figure.

I have my driving test on Thursday. I am curious to see how I am going to do. I am honestly kind of freaking out .....I don't want to fail. I know that's a horrible way of thinking, but that's kind of where I am right now. I don't think I will. Gah.

I would hate to be a child star. It's kind of a lose-lose situation. If you are doing drugs/rehab (Lohan), then it's kind of expected of you. If you are doing something good like running a Christian TV show (Kirk Cameron), you are looked upon as a religious freak. This world is just so twisted.

1 John is a good book.

Sometimes I wish there was some sort of tap that I could turn whenever I wanted to pour out my thoughts without feeling like I left some thoughts behind. Alas, this is never the case.

Flee, fight, follow, and be faithful. Always.

Pray for the Kenya missions team!

I don't want to go

to Vacation Bible School.

For purely selfish reasons, of course. I did not volunteer for VBS for the first time this year since like 2000, because my mom was always either the head of it or one of the heads. I was the one who headed the puppet ministry. I was the one who stuck my hand up puppet's butts, year after year, making children laugh at the expense of my goofy voice. Well this year is a whole nother ballgame. I just found out yesterday that the person that I worked with last year is going to do the puppet show this year. Without me. I am not mad at that person, of course. If anything, I am mad at myself. Why didn't I wake up earlier for the volunteer orientation? Oh well, these things are meant to happen like this, I suppose. I guess when I walk in there today I won't be mad. Actually, writing this has helped me not to be mad. Bring on the puppets!


Sometimes it is painful to be so flirtatious. But I am learning. My whole family had a really good talk last night at my aunt's house about religion and things. Sometimes I forget how many God-filled people I am surrounded by. They are so awesome.

I always think that I am over someone, but then something happens that makes me remember about the person and how awesome they are, or how much they hurt me. I wish sometimes that I didn't write so much about what I am thinking, because going back to read the stuff makes the hurt resurface as though it never left. Which I realize means that I never let it go in the first place.... Reggie preached about the restoration that we sometimes need to give people who are hurting. He was talking about the fact that so many people are discouraged from going to church because a lot of times those in the church condemn them for their past mistakes. When I left the church building I kept thinking about the different people that I have written off as lost causes for various sins. What was funny was that it was really hard for me to think about restoring the people that have hurt me. I am learning that I take things extremely personally. This is not a very healthy thing to do.

*sigh*

My birthday was great.

So I was watching Animal Planet last night (AP has become one of my favorite channels to watch), and there was a special on about octopuses and one of the commentators was a wildlife journalist. A lightbulb went off in my head and I have now made it my future aspiration to be a wildlife journalist. Let's hear it!!!

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you will be a mile away. And you'll have their shoes." ~I forgot

I didn't even get to say goodbye

And here it is.

I swear I wasn't ready. I just turned around and it was here.

I didn't mean to leave it so soon.

I would have stopped myself if I had thought about it.

I have so much more to say.

I have so much more to think about.

Mull about.

Complain about.

Worry about.

Why didn't it stop me before I left?

Is this caring a one-way street?

Am I the only one that cares that I'm gone?


Yeah. My birthday is here. I kind of feel like I am the only one who is thinking about yesterday. Is that normal? I really think that I can't stop. I kind of feel like I am riding on a bicycle that's going downhill towards an abyss that I never wanted to experience in the first place. It's weird because now it's here there is nothing I wouldn't give to go back to yesterday. To prevent this post from sounding like a Beatles song, I end with a happy birthday to me.

~

Tired of being tired

One thing I have begun to wonder is if I will ever get that feeling that I am doing it right.

Creature of the Night

Look at me. Actually, you can't. If you could, you wouldn't be reading this blog. I am up for the umpteenth night in a row at an ungodly hour. And once again, I don't feel sleepy. You see, my downfall is taking naps at 7, 8:00 in the evening and then feeling "refreshed" for many hours more. Dude. Not cool.

I have declared to my aunt the temporary status of a nun. I think this is necessary...and I am not mad about it. I actually had a good talk with her on Saturday. She told me about how she met her husband (at a Campus Crusade for Christ summer conference) and how God kept putting them in the right place at the right time. He lived in California, and she lived in Georgia, but they still courted across the country via letters (actual snail mail) after that summer. They only saw each other once again before he proposed the following summer, and then they were married the summer after that. 15 years and 5 children later, Auntie Sharon has now become my source of inspiration. All of this time that I am sitting here worrying about how things should occur, I realize that God just wants me to fall more and more in love with Him. Who would have thought? Man, I am not even going to pretend that this is going to be easy (after all, players gotta play), but I am surrendering this to God, now.

You can call me Mother Superior Herculaneum. I think it has a nice ring to it.



So apparently this is what I would look like if I fell into a vat of artificially colored blueberries. Tell the Blue Man group to watch out...TamTam is a new force to be reckoned with.

I still don't know what I am doing for my birthday.



"It never rains when you want it to." ~Norah Jones

Truth Spoke in Whispers

I love Norah Jones. Ever since I first heard "Don't Know Why" on the radio she became one of my favorite artists. I have all of her CDs and I can listen to them on repeat anytime, anywhere, and often. She is so soothing. She always reminds me of summer days right after the rain, within twilight, right before the fireflies come out. This has always been the best time of the day in my opinion. It always makes me think about the day that just ended, and the night that is just beginning...





"Humble Me" is my favorite song by Norah. I still don't completely understand the words, but there is something about it that makes me sit back and just breathe, every time I hear it. I think the song is about her dealing with finding closure after tough times (with her ex-spouse, in this case). I think its about dealing with people that you have to cut out of your life even though you don't hate them. I think the song is about caring in spite of the past hurts. I think the song is about loving people despite what they have done to you, just as Jesus loved us. I think the song is about learning to live in the humility of salvation, even past self-destructive relationships.

You know, this song had more to do with me than I thought.

Here are the lyrics...whenever I hear them I get chills.

Went out on a limb
Gone too far
Broken down at the side of the road
Stranded at the outskirts and sun's creepin' up

Baby's in the backseat
Still fast asleep
Dreamin' of better days
I don't want to call you but you're all I have to turn to

What do you say
When it's all gone away?
Baby I didn't mean to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart,
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to

You humble me Lord
Humble me Lord
I'm on my knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
Please, please, please forgive me

Baby Teresa got your eyes
I see you all the time
When she asks about her daddy
I never know what to say

Heard you kicked the bottle
And helped to build the church
You carry an honest wage
Is it true you have someone keeping you company?

What do you say
When it's all gone away?
Baby I didn't mean to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to

You humble me Lord
Humble me Lord
I'm on my knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
Please, please, please forgive me

Yeah...I definitely understand the song now....

~

The Woes of Missionary Dating....and Other Things

My mother asked me the other day if I would ever consider dating someone that wasn't saved. I said no, naturally (or not so much), but as soon as I said so I thought about missionary dating. I know it is not what we are supposed to be doing as Christians, because we can't be unequally yoked and we would be influenced by the world more than they would be by our Gospel etc etc....but wouldn't that be something if we could? I mean it is possible and there are cases where the spouse has brought their sig. o to the gospel, but I guess I am just thinking about the power Christians would have if we could do something like that. Plus, all cute guys should be Christian. That is just my personal opinion.

I have had a pretty good week. I like the fact that I have fallen out of my funk or whatever that bad attitude that I described earlier. I really think that it was because I hadn't been reading my Bible. It always seems like this happens, though. I just like that God's love never changes. I like that he always knows what I am thinking, even when I am thinking about thinking about God, if that makes sense.

Man....God is really good.

You know, cursing has been something that I have wrestled with ever since I reentered the public school system in the 9th grade. I have never really cursed out loud...maybe three or four times ever before I came to Tech. For some reason last semester I found myself thinking more and more colorful thoughts as time went on (things got pretty rough) and occasionally I would utter said thoughts in the presence of friends. I really didn't think that this was a big deal. However recently I was caught in the midst of an altercation between two parties that are very dear to me. Words were said that could have formed a whole new color spectrum, and I was hurting, even though I wasn't even in the fight. I personally think that these words really serve no purpose. I have decided I really don't want them in my vocabulary anymore. Ever. They do not make me sound smarter and I think they can only sound stupid/awkward when I say them. That's all. My mouth (and soon my mind) will be as clean as an Orbitz commercial.

I started with the National Wildlife Federation today. It was pretty cool and not strenuous at all. Everyone there is so nice. I look forward to working with them in the future.

I really don't know what I am doing for my birthday next Friday. Amanda's birthday, too.

Yay, I am probably going to the library on Saturday with my friend. She is an English major at Georgia State, so she had no objection to indulging me. I really hope that we go (Leronia, if you are reading this, don't break my heart).

I need tea.

Tea = Delicious

You know, I always thought that my addiction to tea was a seasonal thing that would die down after a while. I realize after about a year or two that my love for tea has only increased to a level just under obsession. I have two cups of tea a day on average, and I have an empty feeling inside whenever I have less. I think I might have a problem, but I am OK with that. I am not going to say that I could quit whenever I wanted, because I would be lying....

But it's all good.

These new facebook features are kind of weak. Now you can rearrange your page so when people look at it your photos may be higher than your posted items, or your educational information may be higher than your personal information. Whoopdy darn doo. No but I do think it's interesting/creepy that now you can see if someone is online on AIM from facebook. If facebook wasn't stalker-friendly before, now it is efficiently.

I want to go see Shrek the Third. It looks kind of funny. I think I'll wait till it comes to the dollar theater, though...you know...when I can afford it.

It's never hurt so much to be a broke college student.


"There are 11 solutions to the oak tree in Arizona." ~J.S.

very partial, I am

To this here blog.

I am getting less and less fond of the following:

Facebook
Television
Youtube
Instant Messaging

And more and more fond of the following:

Books
Blogging
Reciting Poetry
My camera/Photography
Researching random facts
Sleeping



I think this is a good thing. I don't really feel like being still right now, but this seems to be what I am doing right now. I just feel extremely restless. Gah. I just want to run somewhere. Just go. I wish I had my license right about now. I think there is a conspiracy that my parents are involved in that is preventing me from doing this.

I think I have been in a bad mood lately. Not the type of bad mood that would put me in the time-out corner if I was younger, but the type that makes me seem like I'm brooding all of the time. I really don't mean to brood. I guess I am in just one of those moods.

I woke up this morning with the worst headache that would not go away. I also felt nauseous and I thought that I would lose the breakfast that I hadn't even had yet. I felt this way for a long time until at last Amanda suggested "hey, Tamara, you might be dehydrated." DING DING DING. I have been sipping on blessed H2O ever since.

I am going to go on campus sometime this week. I just have to get out of here....

I can say no more. I am being watched.


"A very very un-birthday to you!!" The Tea Party of Alice in Wonderland

neglectful daughter

I am starting to realize that in the midst of my quest to build the perfect summer reading list, I have been slipping on reading the most important book of all. That is a problem.

I wonder more often than not if I made the right decision. After I received the go-ahead from so many people, when I said "yes" I kinda expected that the fireworks would have cued up, the orchestra would have begun to play, and the credits would have rolled as I resumed life in the "happily ever after" section. I think this is the exact opposite for me.

For my whole life I have been in a position of security within my family. Throughout my whole schooling career there has never been a time where I was without one of my sisters or cousins...I was homeschooled, for goodness' sake! But the thing is now I am assuming a role that neither of my sisters are trying to be involved in, and I feel weird. I don't know how to deal with this feeling of unrest, other than talk to God about it.

It's not like I wasn't warned about this feeling of indecision/confusion. Because I was. I heeded the advice, but I still kind of threw myself into this with romantic ideals--ideals that seem to be dropping like flies with each passing day.

Right now, I think the only that I can do is not try and just be. I don't want to change myself because of my surroundings. I have resolved that this is not my battle, so I give it to the Lord. He can care a lot better than I can (1 Peter 5:7). So there it is.

on another unrelated note....

I wonder if I was to blame. I wonder if I made the right decision. I wonder also if I was the only one at fault. I wonder if it's too late to make amends. I really wonder what would happen if I had just apologized and ended the feud, and if this would have made things better than the long silence. The answer to the last question is already known to me....and I do not regret anything. I feel OK because I decided not to be a doormat. And I am truly OK with that.


Although my camera was my birthday present to me, I still kind of want a n___ r___. But that is currently out of my budget. Ugh. I am going to owe Kimberly 5 dollars.



"You smell like dead bunnies." Ralph Wiggum

choppa style. chop chop choppa style.

Summer reading list thus far:

The Name (Franklin Graham)
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Ella Enchanted
Invisible Man
.....

I need at least 5 more books. Crap. I need to go to the library. And pay my library fines.


Sunchips = good.




Mr. Salt: Wonka. Butterscotch? Buttergin? You running something on the side here?
Willy Wonka: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.


~~~

Blessed is (s)he who expects nothing

For (s)he is never disappointed.


I am liking this summer so far. The only thing about this summer that I have a problem with is it seems that I am only spending money and not making it...this is starting to pose a problem as I budget out the next 3 months. Therefore, if anyone wants to go to the movies, hang out at the mall, go to an amusement park, or do anything that involves coming out of pocket......

Your treat.


I volunteered at my brother's school today. I never realized how much I look like a middle schooler until I entered a middle school. Everywhere I turned if I wasn't getting stopped by a teacher saying "where are you going young lady" I was getting hit on by a 13 year old boy whose voice hadn't even changed. Kids these days. I had to flash my "chaperone" badge so many times today.......good times, though. And I am probably going to chaperone again on Friday for the 8th grade dance. This should be fun.

I wanted Natasha to win......but I still applaud Jaslene.

I feel bad for having so many malicious thoughts toward my cousin Tobias today. I know he is just a child, but kids can be frustrating. It's all good, though. I hope that he doesn't hate me for falling asleep on him today. All I remember is him crawling all over me, saying "Wake up!" I think if this 2-year-old was screaming "FIRE!" I still wouldn't have awakened, though...I was tired.

I never know how to end blogs without feeling awkward, so I'll end with a random movie quote.

Danielle: You are the only mother I have ever known. Was there a time, even in its smallest measurement, that you loved me at all?
Baroness Rodmilla De Ghent: How can anyone love a pebble in their shoe?

"Ever After"

Finally some closure

My pastor from MSTCOG called me today! I love that man. He's like the grandfather I always had but could have always used another one. Anyway, I talked to him about joining the leadership team next semester. In a nutshell Pastor gave his blessing, and he said that he would continue to pray for me that I keep walking in the Lord. I love him so much. It was funny because in a later conversation with my mother Pastor said that he was happy to see that his girls (Amanda, Kim and I) are being "productive and not reproductive". That really put a smile on my face.

My camera came!! I really like it...here is my favorite picture that I have taken:




I think my mom looks really pretty in this picture.


You know what? I am not OK with the recent coyote sightings. I am not OK. My sisters say that they hear them outside late at night, howling. Also, my dog is always whimpering, as though he is being agitated by these foreign cousins. What's also not cool is that we found a scorpion in the house today. I do not want to elaborate on that. I am not OK with unbridled wildlife running around. I love Wildlife, now, don't get me wrong, but this is really not cool.

I miss the Gilmore Girls.

But through it all, I am honestly happy. Joyful, rather. God is really good to me, and it really amazes me how He still loves me so so much even when I act as though I deserve it. He is so awesome.

my eyes doth droop

Which means that it is optimal time to blog.

I don't think that my parents agree with my decisions. I think this is one of those times where I overthink what is going on in life, but I am not sure if they are completely ok with everything that I am deciding as of late (such as summer plans, place of worship, etc). Actually I think I am OK with that because they haven't really talked to me about it and I am only guessing from their reactions (or lack thereof) when I share news with them. It's all good though...I am really not that worried about it.

Today I watched Moulin Rouge. That movie is frickin awesome. I have always been a glutton for musicals, so I didn't really turn on this movie with a chip on my shoulder, but I really really liked this movie. It was so trippy, so bizarre, so anachronistic, and yet so sweet. I really almost cried. Good times.

When are Moze and Ned going to get together? I am getting impatient.

Around this time every summer I always get an itch to go to the library. I need to check and see if I need a new library card. And if I have to pay my library fine. Hmm. We will see.

My mom's birthday falls on Mother's Day every six years. This was one of those years. I don't know if I should feel relieved that I have to worry about fewer gifts or doubly obligated to buy more gifts for her. This is a conundrum that will plague me for the rest of my life. At least, every six years.

I don't know why I have been in the mood to write in choppy sentences lately. Mrs. Hartley would kill me if she knew.


I want my camera to come.

feeling the same way

I am doing some sort of spring cleaning with my blogs. I am going back and reading my old posts on xanga....I have grown so much. I feel like I have a completely different mindset on life. And yet, whenever I look back at all of the results of the personality quizzes that I took (because I do save them), I realize that I haven't changed that much at all. Here are some of the results:

Your Element is Fire

Your power color: red

Your energy: hot

Your season: spring

Like a fire, you are full of power and light.
A born leader, you easily draw people toward you.
You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous.
You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.
Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...
But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.
You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.