neglectful daughter

I am starting to realize that in the midst of my quest to build the perfect summer reading list, I have been slipping on reading the most important book of all. That is a problem.

I wonder more often than not if I made the right decision. After I received the go-ahead from so many people, when I said "yes" I kinda expected that the fireworks would have cued up, the orchestra would have begun to play, and the credits would have rolled as I resumed life in the "happily ever after" section. I think this is the exact opposite for me.

For my whole life I have been in a position of security within my family. Throughout my whole schooling career there has never been a time where I was without one of my sisters or cousins...I was homeschooled, for goodness' sake! But the thing is now I am assuming a role that neither of my sisters are trying to be involved in, and I feel weird. I don't know how to deal with this feeling of unrest, other than talk to God about it.

It's not like I wasn't warned about this feeling of indecision/confusion. Because I was. I heeded the advice, but I still kind of threw myself into this with romantic ideals--ideals that seem to be dropping like flies with each passing day.

Right now, I think the only that I can do is not try and just be. I don't want to change myself because of my surroundings. I have resolved that this is not my battle, so I give it to the Lord. He can care a lot better than I can (1 Peter 5:7). So there it is.

on another unrelated note....

I wonder if I was to blame. I wonder if I made the right decision. I wonder also if I was the only one at fault. I wonder if it's too late to make amends. I really wonder what would happen if I had just apologized and ended the feud, and if this would have made things better than the long silence. The answer to the last question is already known to me....and I do not regret anything. I feel OK because I decided not to be a doormat. And I am truly OK with that.


Although my camera was my birthday present to me, I still kind of want a n___ r___. But that is currently out of my budget. Ugh. I am going to owe Kimberly 5 dollars.



"You smell like dead bunnies." Ralph Wiggum