The Woes of Missionary Dating....and Other Things

My mother asked me the other day if I would ever consider dating someone that wasn't saved. I said no, naturally (or not so much), but as soon as I said so I thought about missionary dating. I know it is not what we are supposed to be doing as Christians, because we can't be unequally yoked and we would be influenced by the world more than they would be by our Gospel etc etc....but wouldn't that be something if we could? I mean it is possible and there are cases where the spouse has brought their sig. o to the gospel, but I guess I am just thinking about the power Christians would have if we could do something like that. Plus, all cute guys should be Christian. That is just my personal opinion.

I have had a pretty good week. I like the fact that I have fallen out of my funk or whatever that bad attitude that I described earlier. I really think that it was because I hadn't been reading my Bible. It always seems like this happens, though. I just like that God's love never changes. I like that he always knows what I am thinking, even when I am thinking about thinking about God, if that makes sense.

Man....God is really good.

You know, cursing has been something that I have wrestled with ever since I reentered the public school system in the 9th grade. I have never really cursed out loud...maybe three or four times ever before I came to Tech. For some reason last semester I found myself thinking more and more colorful thoughts as time went on (things got pretty rough) and occasionally I would utter said thoughts in the presence of friends. I really didn't think that this was a big deal. However recently I was caught in the midst of an altercation between two parties that are very dear to me. Words were said that could have formed a whole new color spectrum, and I was hurting, even though I wasn't even in the fight. I personally think that these words really serve no purpose. I have decided I really don't want them in my vocabulary anymore. Ever. They do not make me sound smarter and I think they can only sound stupid/awkward when I say them. That's all. My mouth (and soon my mind) will be as clean as an Orbitz commercial.

I started with the National Wildlife Federation today. It was pretty cool and not strenuous at all. Everyone there is so nice. I look forward to working with them in the future.

I really don't know what I am doing for my birthday next Friday. Amanda's birthday, too.

Yay, I am probably going to the library on Saturday with my friend. She is an English major at Georgia State, so she had no objection to indulging me. I really hope that we go (Leronia, if you are reading this, don't break my heart).

I need tea.

Tea = Delicious

You know, I always thought that my addiction to tea was a seasonal thing that would die down after a while. I realize after about a year or two that my love for tea has only increased to a level just under obsession. I have two cups of tea a day on average, and I have an empty feeling inside whenever I have less. I think I might have a problem, but I am OK with that. I am not going to say that I could quit whenever I wanted, because I would be lying....

But it's all good.

These new facebook features are kind of weak. Now you can rearrange your page so when people look at it your photos may be higher than your posted items, or your educational information may be higher than your personal information. Whoopdy darn doo. No but I do think it's interesting/creepy that now you can see if someone is online on AIM from facebook. If facebook wasn't stalker-friendly before, now it is efficiently.

I want to go see Shrek the Third. It looks kind of funny. I think I'll wait till it comes to the dollar theater, though...you know...when I can afford it.

It's never hurt so much to be a broke college student.


"There are 11 solutions to the oak tree in Arizona." ~J.S.

very partial, I am

To this here blog.

I am getting less and less fond of the following:

Facebook
Television
Youtube
Instant Messaging

And more and more fond of the following:

Books
Blogging
Reciting Poetry
My camera/Photography
Researching random facts
Sleeping



I think this is a good thing. I don't really feel like being still right now, but this seems to be what I am doing right now. I just feel extremely restless. Gah. I just want to run somewhere. Just go. I wish I had my license right about now. I think there is a conspiracy that my parents are involved in that is preventing me from doing this.

I think I have been in a bad mood lately. Not the type of bad mood that would put me in the time-out corner if I was younger, but the type that makes me seem like I'm brooding all of the time. I really don't mean to brood. I guess I am in just one of those moods.

I woke up this morning with the worst headache that would not go away. I also felt nauseous and I thought that I would lose the breakfast that I hadn't even had yet. I felt this way for a long time until at last Amanda suggested "hey, Tamara, you might be dehydrated." DING DING DING. I have been sipping on blessed H2O ever since.

I am going to go on campus sometime this week. I just have to get out of here....

I can say no more. I am being watched.


"A very very un-birthday to you!!" The Tea Party of Alice in Wonderland

neglectful daughter

I am starting to realize that in the midst of my quest to build the perfect summer reading list, I have been slipping on reading the most important book of all. That is a problem.

I wonder more often than not if I made the right decision. After I received the go-ahead from so many people, when I said "yes" I kinda expected that the fireworks would have cued up, the orchestra would have begun to play, and the credits would have rolled as I resumed life in the "happily ever after" section. I think this is the exact opposite for me.

For my whole life I have been in a position of security within my family. Throughout my whole schooling career there has never been a time where I was without one of my sisters or cousins...I was homeschooled, for goodness' sake! But the thing is now I am assuming a role that neither of my sisters are trying to be involved in, and I feel weird. I don't know how to deal with this feeling of unrest, other than talk to God about it.

It's not like I wasn't warned about this feeling of indecision/confusion. Because I was. I heeded the advice, but I still kind of threw myself into this with romantic ideals--ideals that seem to be dropping like flies with each passing day.

Right now, I think the only that I can do is not try and just be. I don't want to change myself because of my surroundings. I have resolved that this is not my battle, so I give it to the Lord. He can care a lot better than I can (1 Peter 5:7). So there it is.

on another unrelated note....

I wonder if I was to blame. I wonder if I made the right decision. I wonder also if I was the only one at fault. I wonder if it's too late to make amends. I really wonder what would happen if I had just apologized and ended the feud, and if this would have made things better than the long silence. The answer to the last question is already known to me....and I do not regret anything. I feel OK because I decided not to be a doormat. And I am truly OK with that.


Although my camera was my birthday present to me, I still kind of want a n___ r___. But that is currently out of my budget. Ugh. I am going to owe Kimberly 5 dollars.



"You smell like dead bunnies." Ralph Wiggum

choppa style. chop chop choppa style.

Summer reading list thus far:

The Name (Franklin Graham)
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Ella Enchanted
Invisible Man
.....

I need at least 5 more books. Crap. I need to go to the library. And pay my library fines.


Sunchips = good.




Mr. Salt: Wonka. Butterscotch? Buttergin? You running something on the side here?
Willy Wonka: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.


~~~

Blessed is (s)he who expects nothing

For (s)he is never disappointed.


I am liking this summer so far. The only thing about this summer that I have a problem with is it seems that I am only spending money and not making it...this is starting to pose a problem as I budget out the next 3 months. Therefore, if anyone wants to go to the movies, hang out at the mall, go to an amusement park, or do anything that involves coming out of pocket......

Your treat.


I volunteered at my brother's school today. I never realized how much I look like a middle schooler until I entered a middle school. Everywhere I turned if I wasn't getting stopped by a teacher saying "where are you going young lady" I was getting hit on by a 13 year old boy whose voice hadn't even changed. Kids these days. I had to flash my "chaperone" badge so many times today.......good times, though. And I am probably going to chaperone again on Friday for the 8th grade dance. This should be fun.

I wanted Natasha to win......but I still applaud Jaslene.

I feel bad for having so many malicious thoughts toward my cousin Tobias today. I know he is just a child, but kids can be frustrating. It's all good, though. I hope that he doesn't hate me for falling asleep on him today. All I remember is him crawling all over me, saying "Wake up!" I think if this 2-year-old was screaming "FIRE!" I still wouldn't have awakened, though...I was tired.

I never know how to end blogs without feeling awkward, so I'll end with a random movie quote.

Danielle: You are the only mother I have ever known. Was there a time, even in its smallest measurement, that you loved me at all?
Baroness Rodmilla De Ghent: How can anyone love a pebble in their shoe?

"Ever After"

Finally some closure

My pastor from MSTCOG called me today! I love that man. He's like the grandfather I always had but could have always used another one. Anyway, I talked to him about joining the leadership team next semester. In a nutshell Pastor gave his blessing, and he said that he would continue to pray for me that I keep walking in the Lord. I love him so much. It was funny because in a later conversation with my mother Pastor said that he was happy to see that his girls (Amanda, Kim and I) are being "productive and not reproductive". That really put a smile on my face.

My camera came!! I really like it...here is my favorite picture that I have taken:




I think my mom looks really pretty in this picture.


You know what? I am not OK with the recent coyote sightings. I am not OK. My sisters say that they hear them outside late at night, howling. Also, my dog is always whimpering, as though he is being agitated by these foreign cousins. What's also not cool is that we found a scorpion in the house today. I do not want to elaborate on that. I am not OK with unbridled wildlife running around. I love Wildlife, now, don't get me wrong, but this is really not cool.

I miss the Gilmore Girls.

But through it all, I am honestly happy. Joyful, rather. God is really good to me, and it really amazes me how He still loves me so so much even when I act as though I deserve it. He is so awesome.

my eyes doth droop

Which means that it is optimal time to blog.

I don't think that my parents agree with my decisions. I think this is one of those times where I overthink what is going on in life, but I am not sure if they are completely ok with everything that I am deciding as of late (such as summer plans, place of worship, etc). Actually I think I am OK with that because they haven't really talked to me about it and I am only guessing from their reactions (or lack thereof) when I share news with them. It's all good though...I am really not that worried about it.

Today I watched Moulin Rouge. That movie is frickin awesome. I have always been a glutton for musicals, so I didn't really turn on this movie with a chip on my shoulder, but I really really liked this movie. It was so trippy, so bizarre, so anachronistic, and yet so sweet. I really almost cried. Good times.

When are Moze and Ned going to get together? I am getting impatient.

Around this time every summer I always get an itch to go to the library. I need to check and see if I need a new library card. And if I have to pay my library fine. Hmm. We will see.

My mom's birthday falls on Mother's Day every six years. This was one of those years. I don't know if I should feel relieved that I have to worry about fewer gifts or doubly obligated to buy more gifts for her. This is a conundrum that will plague me for the rest of my life. At least, every six years.

I don't know why I have been in the mood to write in choppy sentences lately. Mrs. Hartley would kill me if she knew.


I want my camera to come.

feeling the same way

I am doing some sort of spring cleaning with my blogs. I am going back and reading my old posts on xanga....I have grown so much. I feel like I have a completely different mindset on life. And yet, whenever I look back at all of the results of the personality quizzes that I took (because I do save them), I realize that I haven't changed that much at all. Here are some of the results:

Your Element is Fire

Your power color: red

Your energy: hot

Your season: spring

Like a fire, you are full of power and light.
A born leader, you easily draw people toward you.
You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous.
You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.
Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...
But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.
You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

hello dolly

I am kinda tired right now. I need to go to bed. I have been praying for the wisdom to go to bed when I need to. I am excited about going to Philadelphia this summer, even if it's only for 4 days. I love going to conferences, so I am ecstatic about this. I am also happy because this is the first time I am going somewhere way way out-of-state without my sisters or my parents--not counting Florida.

My pastor said that he is going to call me tonight. It's about the fact that I am leaving the church for a while to dedicate myself to ministry with JCA. I feel like a celebrity because he's going to call me.

I'm hot coz I'm fly.

I have a digital camera coming in the mail, so I am pretty excited about that. Last time I owned a camera (not counting a disposable one), it was a Crayola camera and it was 35 mm and I ran out of film because I took random pictures of things like people's feet or the TV when something was on. My point is, when I get this camera I am going to probably do the same thing....except I will call it art this time around.

It was storming outside yesterday really badly--there is something about the rain hitting the windowpane that makes me feel all poetic or whatever, but I wrote this really cool poem and I really really like it. It is one of the few poems that I have written that doesn't rhyme at all. When I had other people read it, they interpreted it so much differently than how I planned it to be....

Poetry is so cool!! I write it like a type of catharsis...it helps me breathe.


I wonder if I should stop flirting the way I do. There is this guy at my home church that I have been really friendly with lately for no particular reason. I think he is cute, but I never know how to stop when the guy starts to flirt back. I feel bad because one side of me says "no way, Tam Tam, you are headed into trouble because you are into someone else" (because I am), but the other side says "go for it, what's the problem? It's not like you are seeing anyone right now or anything". I don't know which side to listen to, but I am pretty sure I am going to just leave it alone. I wonder if flirting has its limits, and if I overstep them often.

Did I mention that the guy is much older than me?

I am trying not to do this, because I think that it's more out of vanity than anything. Whenever I flirt, I usually have in the back of my mind "why wouldn't you want me?" But I now realize the truth of someone's quote on their Facebook profile: "Confidence is sexy, arrogance is not."

Yeah...I am just going to leave it alone...for now.

I am going to go write down my poem and then type it and then post it on one of my other blogs. If you want to read it just message me....I am really paranoid about my poetry...I always think that the Poet Swiper is reading this and conspiring the way to hack into my ultra-secret blogs.


I have said too much.


I leave on this note:
Poet Swiper is watching you.

Tamara's Summer To-Do List 3000

Tamara!!! Get off of your butt and do something this summer!!!! GET UP!!

You will do this by August 6 (check off when done):

o Obtain your license by the end of June

o ---Learn how to parallel park

o Read 8-10 Books

o Do at least 7 community service projects

o Write 5 short stories

o Write 3 chapters of you know what

o Go to Thomaston

o Go to Philadelphia (!)

o Visit JCA at least 3 times

o SLEEP!!!!

o Limit your Facebook to 3 times a day

o Exercise every other day

o Cut down on your sweets

o Drink tea……lots and lots and lots of tea!

o Cut TV time to no more than 3-4 hours a day

o Cut down computer time

o Have QT at least 30 minutes a day

o Buy a digital camera before the end of May

o Figure out how to make some money

o ---Look for a part-time job

o Travel to somewhere….Barbados?????

o DON’T—REPEAT—DON’T BE A BUM!!!!!

Youh Cahn DOO EEEET!!!!!!!!!

mee moe mum

I just discovered this brown streak that I have at the front of my hair. I really like it. I am so frustrated....as usual. I am praying and deciding, deciding and praying. I think I might just need to be praying. I need to change my attitude. I am going to go walk outside. I love lounging outside...I have even begun to doze out there....but I think I am going to have to stop that since apparently there are coyotes running loose around Georgia. I am afraid.

I realize that my happiness is found in less of me and more of Him (thanks, Shane and Shane......and John the Baptist).

I am beginning to realize that I have ultimate favorites. I used to think that I was a flip-flopper with a type of John Kerry allegiance to anything that falls under my "favorite" file, but I realize that as I get older my taste buds namely are becoming more partial to a smaller range of items such as those following. Here is a small list of my undying faves:

M&Ms--Milk Chocolate
Strawberry Shortcake Ice Cream
Tea
Tea
Tea


OK. So maybe my list was a lot shorter than I thought. It's all good. I'll add more once I think of it.


Yay, I am glad I am getting over laziness, for the most part. I am trying not to be a bum this summer. I have a summer To-Do list. I'll post it right after this post.

That song by Desperation called "Amazed" is my current favorite song. Here are the lyrics

You dance all around me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me

I am going to write a book.

Oh my fricking gosh

I am so tired gosh goodness goodness man I miss just blogging for the heck of it. Did you guys miss me? Yeah well

I am so tired. If you didn't get it the first time.

I don't want to study anymore. I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I switched my major. I am going through a lot of transition right now, I realize.

I love God.

I keep telling people that I want to move to a mountaintop in Switzerland when I leave school. I laugh because they don't think I'm serious. Sometimes I just want to disappear off of the face of this earth. This thought is far from suicidal. It really is. I think I just like the thought of being missed. I love leaving because it's so much sweeter when I return. I just want to go right now. Just go. I wish it was 24 hours from now, and I was out of school. OK, I am going to stop procrastinating now.

I think I am going to do this more often :D

I am thinking about you......do you know???

Of course you don't.......only 4 people in this world know.....and you, my dear, are not one of them.

I just wish I wasn't guessing all of the time.

Anyhoo. Holler.