Ode to Champ

I just realized today--OK, just now--that I went through an entire semester and I never truly dealt with the running-away of my dog Champ in August. I don't know why I didn't. It's weird how I found out about how he left. Here is a paraphrase:

{Scenery: My living room, Fall Break has just begun and I and my siblings are sitting around, chatting about life, etc. My Dad walks in}

Dad: I have some chores for you guys to do.
Children: [insert protests and whines]
Tamara: Haha, just don't make me feed Champ and I'm OK.

[silence]

Other Children: Too soon, Tamara.
Tamara: [insert confused look]
Kim: Wait, you were serious?
Tamara: [sensing something is not right] Yeah...why?
Kim: Champ ran away over a month ago. He left while you were in [awesome] Housing training and while the rest of us were in [even awesomer, much cooler than Training] Memphis and Missouri. We thought you knew.
Tamara: [insert sadness and devastation]

{End Scene}


I think that was quite possibly the worst way I could have found out about my dog leaving. Mad props to my family for bringing that one about. He was an awesome pet...we had him since he was 6 weeks old, and we kept him for 8 years. He was really sweet and rambunctious. He was like my dad's 5th child. Actually I kind of got a sneaky feeling every once in a while that my dad wouldn't have mind replacing us for Champ if it was possible. Just every once in a while though. I am writing this because my sisters and I were considering buying my parents a puppy for Christmas, but we knew that it would probably be a good idea to seek their approval first, considering that they would be the ones taking care of the puppy. Their vehement response of "NO" made me think about it, and I realize that my parents really loved Champ, especially my dad. I guess everybody needs time to heal...and a puppy is not the answer for everything. Although it should be. So here it is, my tribute to Champ.

[insert revered silence]





This is us giving Champ a bath in July. BTW, if you have seen a dog that looks like this, please let me know...

World Inside a Picture Frame

I was walking down the street just now after my class was over and I was overwhelmed by the breathtaking view of the Atlanta skyline. I always carry my camera around now--you never know when you'll need it, after all--but for some reason when I began to reach for my camera something stopped me. I was reminded of that John Mayer song "3x5", which basically talks about how you can't fit the world inside of a picture frame. It makes a lot of sense, I guess. I've tried the whole "capture a picture right when the mood hits you and the lighting is just right", but I am starting to think I suck at that. Once the camera is pulled out, the angle is right, the light has hit the target perfectly, and the shutter is snapped, I hit the review button and the picture is just lines and color and not what I wanted at all. SUCKS.

At least, this is how I used to feel. For my dad's birthday, my sisters and I bought my dad a digital camera (actually Kim bought it, and I still owe my portion, but please don't tell her that). Naturally my father was as pleased as punch, for up until now he had been taking pictures with his camera phone, which got to be embarrassing, to say the least...but cute, because it was my dad. Anyhoo, after we had our fun with the camera (the proof is in the facebook pictures) we let him have fun with his new toy. My family minus my little brother spent the day together a couple of days ago, and when my dad came to pick me up he handed me his camera (of course not without snapping few pictures of me getting in the car, please no paparazzi). My mother mused that my dad had been taking pictures all morning, snapping them while he was driving*. Although I laughed a little at my dad's eagerness and childlike joy, I could not help but gasp when I looked at the photographs on the screen. There was nothing particularly spectacular about the photos....in fact, most of them were taken at a jaunty angle due to the fact that my father was trying to handle a steering wheel at the same time*. There was something about the way that the simplest parts of life--i.e. the drive from my house to campus--were captured with such innocent truth. It was thrilling. Something about the way that my world could be taken apart and reassembled piece by piece and still look beautiful....the individual pieces were puzzles in themselves...it really touched my heart. And my dad is so cute! You should meet him if you haven't. But yeah, my conception of what a picture should be was pretty much shattered then and there.

I am starting to learn the value of a photograph. A photograph is a memory, a bite-size portion of life...meant to be imperfect, meant to be slightly off-balance, meant to make sense to few if any people. This is something that must be accepted.


I just wish I hadn't accidentally deleted 94 pictures on my camera. That really sucked.


Is it truly Christmastime?


*Disclaimer: The author of this blog does not condone nor encourage this activity.


Today I finally overcame/trying to fit the world inside a picture frame/maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to lose my way with words...
~John Mayer, 3x5

I Really

need to find out what marijuana smells like. You know, so I won't be the laughing stock anymore. If anybody has a joint or some brownies that they don't need...

hook me up.

I Wait by Beth Elliot

I wait.
Dear Lord, Thy ways
Are past finding out,
Thy love too high.
O hold me still
Beneath Thy shadow.
It is enough that Thou
Lift up the light
Of Thy countenance.
I wait--
Because I am commanded
So to do. My mind
Is filled with wonderings.
My soul asks "Why?"
But then the quiet word,
"Wait thou only
Upon God."
And so, not even for the light
To show a step ahead,
But for Thee, dear Lord,
I wait.

~

I don't like animals...unless they are genetically engineered...to taste good.
~Tiara

COFFEE

Illegible words
form on the lines
of the tongue
detach themselves from reason
and plunge their way
through the lips
and fall upon
reasonable ears
and yet nothing
happens
......
Oh
the power of
caffeine.

[referring to a cheddar and sour cream chip]

It's like heaven....in a flat, crispy, hydrogenated oil saturated sort of way.
~Tam

Listening To: "Salvation is Here"

by: Hillsong United
Reading: Hamlet by William Shakespeare


I really like that feature on xanga. Too bad I have to do it manually here on blogger. Oh well.

So I just didn't pass my driver's test for the second time ("didn't pass" sounds better than "fail"). It really helped that both of my parents were there this time. I also had the sweetest lady as a driving tester, but still. I am not mad really at anyone or anything in particular. If anything, I am just kind of pissed at everything and nothing at the same time. I didn't cry this time around. There is no point in acting like I'm not dissappointed, though, is there? I really want to pass. That's all I want to do.

I am putting this on the blog because I think it is better to externaiize (is that a word?) these frustrations so that I can get them out of my system. I went to Walmart right after the test and I really wanted to indulge in chocotherapy. I knew that this was the wrong way to go.....especially since I hadn't had breakfast yet.

I just don't like to fail. As much as I want the music to cue up right now, and have Uncle Jesse explain to me that everything is going to be all right, Michelle....as much as I want to hug DJ and Stephanie and bing bang boom another life lesson is learned in a mere 30 minute time slot and I walk away from this with a positive attitude....

I don't think that's going to happen. I am signing this in a funk. I think I shall stay in said funk for about an hour, if that's all right with you all. I'll talk to you when everything is .....better.

Burnt popcorn /=/ marijauna

I found this out the hard way last night when I was on duty.

Come on, though. How am I supposed to know what marijuana smells like? I called the hall director on duty and made him come all the way over to the other side of East campus to tell me that it was just burnt popcorn. Whoops. I did the right thing, so I don't feel bad about that. I wonder if I am going to have to amp up my gangsta so that next time I think it's marijuana, I'll know.

Gangsta T in the hizzle.


Don't eat hash browns at 1:30 in the morning, no matter how delicious they look/taste. You WILL feel it in the morning...

I am being such a bum. I need to read Hamlet for my Shakespeare class, but facebook seems so much more appealing right now. I think I am trying to make up for the times that I wasn't on facebook these past couple of weeks, but this is starting to get ridiculous. OK. I am going to shut up now. Shakespeare, here I come!

One last thing: What kind of mess is it that I only have one test in Shakespeare? What the heck, man? At least it will be the first essay test that I have had since I graduated from high school. I am looking forward to BS'ing my way to an A in that class.

If only it was that simple.

OK, I am done.

*Tamara pretends like she is getting off of the computer when instead she is about to peruse through TV Links to see what TV show she can watch today*

I thought that was yesterday

The way I see it, college shouldn't remind me of high school.

I guess I am setting my standards really high, but hear me out. I think when I first came to college I expected things to play out where you should know everyone, and if you only hang out with a selected group of people then you are an exclusive loser and you needed a social life. I think I was wrong about both of these. There is something about cliques, though, that will always bother me. At least, some of the ones that I know. I realize that everyone is exclusive at some point in time, and it's not really fair to expect otherwise from a race of humans whose number one goal is to belong. Actually, if that's how you like to roll, then by all means do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable.

It really bothers me, though, when people try to fit me in the exact same box as them. I don't think it's really fair to hold anyone to a certain criteria that will either help you or put you on an island by yourself. I mean, what the heck? I thought the point of life was to try and be your own person. Why would I want to only hang out with a certain group of people and only do certain things that are expected of me?

Sometimes I feel crazy because of what I do. I guess that is partly because I sometimes I am treated like I am crazy for what I do. Hmm.

I am just bothered people's insecurities and how they have to take it out on other people. But this is the nature of the beast. C'est la vie.

I'm FLLLLLYYYYYYYINNNGG!!!!!

Dude. I was so out of it last night. As soon as I hit "publish post" on the last blog I literally blacked out. And when I say blacked out, I mean I opened my eyes and I could seriously not figure out where I was, what I was doing, and why I was there. It was kind of scary.

But I got sleep, and that is all that matters. What what.

I wonder sometimes if I am immature, and also if I am the only one who is immature. By immature, I mean in the way that I live my life. Exhibit A: Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday my first class is in the Management Building in Tech Square. For those of you who don't know, the Management building is attached to the Georgia Tech Barnes & Noble Bookstore. You know, the place where you sell your soul and perhaps your firstborn at the beginning of every semester for some textbooks and maybe an overpriced PRS transmitter. Anyway, every MWF I find myself waking up (oftentimes too late) and leaving my dorm with 10 minutes to get to class on time. However, whenever I walk into the entrance that can take me either into B&N on the left or the stairs that take me to the first floor of the Management Building, I almost always take the door on the left. Why, you might ask? Because inside of the B&N is an escalator. And on the escalator is where I like to find myself every morning. Why? Because escalators are fuuuuun. I mean, they are like moving stairs! Isn't that a good enough reason? And the fact that I am going so high up makes me excited because when I look back on the ground that I just left I feel as though I'm flying. Yes, fllllyyyyyyyyyiiiiiiiiing. IT'S AWESOME!!!!!! The way I see it, it's worth the added two minutes that it takes to go up the escalator, then through the second floor, out of the B&N, through the Management building, and then down the stairs to my actual class. Totally, completely, utterly worth it.

And I wonder, is that normal? I mean sometimes I get the feeling as I go through college life that people are so far removed from their old childhood imaginations. Seriously, I wonder if I am the only college student who gets a kick out of using an umbrella when it's raining outside (it's like you have some sort of forcefield around you that is impenetrable by the drops of rain) or if I am the only college student who still opens up the washer so that you can see the clothes swish around (it's the coolest thing ever). Am I the only college student who thinks its cool to wear lab goggles?

Am I?

Hmm.....maybe I should go order a tall white mocha frappuccino and discuss politics while wearing Birkenstocks.

And all beige.

I think that would do the trick. Maybe that will convince you all that I am not socially retarded in how I think about the world. Maybe then I will be taken seriously. Maybe I won't snicker every time someone says "duty" anymore. Maybe I will stop watching the kiddie shows like Arthur or Little Einsteins. Maybe I will stop feeling cool whenever I unflip my cell phone. Maybe I will stop riding the escalator whenever the opportunity presents itself. Maybe....maybe.


Pish. Who am I kidding? Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at approximately 8:28 am you know where to find me. I will be in the process of flying to the moon by way of a super cool escalator. Feel free to join me if you like...I only have one rule for those who want to embark with me on this adventure....




No. Birkenstocks. Allowed.






*But we're never gonna survive....unless we get a little crazy.*
~Alanis Morissette

my eyes doth droop version 2.0

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

tired.

I never thought I'd experience burnout, but I think I am smack dab in the middle of it right now.

I'm too pooped to poop.

Gross.


Seriously though, I have had this one theme that has threaded its way through my subconscious over the past couple of days, interwoven in the mindset that I will blog when I have the time. Now the opportunity has presented itself I realize that I am not even close to the right frame of mind where I can even begin to articulate what I have to say. I have reverted to the lowest tier on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and the only thought on my mind right now is sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

It's like candy.

Sweet, sweet candy.


Dude, I am not even typing sense. GOOD NIGHT. I'll tell you what I really wanted to tell you later.

You know, when I'm alive.





Round and round the carousel
It's got you under it's spell
Movin' so fast, going nowhere

Up and down the ferris wheel
Tell me how does it feel
To be so high
Lookin' down here

Is it lonely?
Lonely?
Lonely?

~Norah Jones

Jane: Someone once told me that cereal is one of the unhealthiest things to eat as a dessert, and I almost cried....

....from laughing.

Actually....

Tamara: Whenever you say "actually"...
J: Uh-uh.
T: Uh-uh?
J: Uh-uh.
T: Why are you saying uh-uh?
J: Because you asked me if I have ever seen "Actually"
T: I SAID whenever you say "Actually".
J: Oh....well, whenever I say "actually"?
T: Well, whenever you say "actually" I always think it's going to be something good. But that time it wasn't. That was pretty lame.
.....
T: Actually, I don't know why I said that just now.

[silence, then crazed, early morning, deluded laughter]

Murder Myra the Killer Care Bear

She'll smother you with love and a pillow.

Oh Leronia, how I miss you so.

I have an Inorganic Lab due in 3 1/2 hours. And I am blogging. Tsk tsk. I just have a lot on my chest.

I wish that I had had a strong support system last year, in my freshman year. I know that I had a lot of party friends, friends that I thought I could have come to in a clutch, and the fact is that I did. But I guess I always thought that if you were popular that meant that you were secure. That someone always had your back. How I was so wrong. I guess I sometimes look at my residents and wish that I had had that chemistry that they have with my hall last year--its so beneficial in the long run. I guess I wish I could have someone to run to and cry with without feeling like I was imposing. I thank God that he sent me people like that who did not necessarily live in my dorm, but I just wonder sometimes what life would have been like if I lived in a place like that my freshman year...if I would have been hurt as often...if I would have hurt others as often....if I would have made as many mistakes as I did. I do not regret....I just wonder.

I am learning love. Love is not something you do, I am realizing. It is something you are. Does that make sense? Sometimes I realize how selfish this thing that I have been calling love is, and it just makes me mad/sad/confused, because I always had in the back of my mind that love is ultimately looking out for number 1. Not so, Mister Chips. I have always thought that eventually if I "love" enough I will make enough connections that the world would not be so cruel. If I smiled enough, I would have more favors. If I joked around enough I would not have to face any more pain. If I just lived in service of others eventually I would enough people who wanted to live for me...and I would be golden. I don't know how to explain that more, I guess I just kind of thought that I would get to the point where I reaped the benefits of love.

I was so wrong.

I don't know how to love. I am weak and a selfish child. I have wanted everything for myself up until now. I wanted the benefits of a task that I wasn't doing right in the first place.

GOD is LOVE.

Why can't I understand that? Why am I having such a hard time realizing that it is not about me?

I am so fallible. I am so dirty. But God still loves me.

God STILL loves me.

Oh.....how much I want to be like Him.

I don't really know how to end this post so...yeah.

"For I am wounded
And unworthy
I am selfish
and untrue
But you are holy
You're the Healer
You forgave me
and made me new."
~Audio Adrenaline

When you distance yourself from a situation that you were never comfortable with in the first place, only then will you realize that you never needed it.

Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

This is a song/speech from the man that wrote and directed Moulin Rouge, Baz Luhrmann. I was really touched by it...I hope you will be too.

~~~~

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
Wear Sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering experience…
I will dispense this advice, now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself, and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….
You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind;
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind; the race is long,
and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…
what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much
or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance,
so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can,
don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it,
it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings, their your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander,
you too will get old and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse;
but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…


~~~

Preach on the Housetops...

"Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in the ear, preach on the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of the falls to the ground apart from your Father's will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."

~Matthew 10:27-31

Word Vomit

Tiara: How did your makeout session go last night?
Tamara: It went really well. My pillow and I are closer now than ever before.


;-)

Not so Random Musings

Aww, man. It's too bad you are sick. I kind of got used to the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but now it's just jelly. Jelly is sweet, but you can get tired of it after a while if you eat it too much.

Oh well.

I am getting over my phobia of riding on the street with my bicycle. It's so freeing. I have always loved the romantic thought of just riding through my college campus on a bicycle, and now I sort of feel like I'm living my dream. I guess I didn't really take into account the 20,000 other people, the traffic, and the 110-degree weather in my fantasy. Oh well, you live and learn.

I always think that I am getting over someone. I was just talking to my roommate about this. Over the past summer I made the whole vow of falling in love with Jesus and everything, and it definitely worked because I don't think I've ever felt closer to God than now. But coming back to school and seeing new faces and old hurts was really hard. I thought that I was over a lot of people, but seeing them just brings the feelings all back, and I feel as though someone dropped a 20-ton pound of ambergris in my stomach (because I assume that if you have ambergris in your stomach, you will probably feel pretty gross). It's weird. But on the other hand, I have had a lot more pleasant encounters with friends. I never realized how many awesome people that I am surrounded with until recently. I feel closer than ever to people whose friendship I know I took for granted. I love the fact that new years all ways bring second chances. I sort of feel as though I am in kindergarten all over again, where you make and break friends so easily, but little transgressions can be solved overa cookie and a hug. Isn't it funny? I thought I was getting older, but I am now identifying with my 5-year-old self. I love it. I love this time of year. I love the fact that I feel like everything is a new beginning. Fall is the time where leaves begin to fall, and it seems like nature is closing its eyes for a long, peaceful sleep, but the only thing that I can see in it is the dawn of a new era...

I am beginning to understand why they say that freshman year is the hardest year. When I first got here last year I felt as though I was being thrown in a pond of a thousand piranhas and each piranha was some sort of test, some sort of class, some sort of person, just any sort of challenge that I had to swim through in order to make it to the other side. I know that I got bitten several times in this pond, but I know that I learned from my mistakes. I feel as though that was some sort of qualifying round, like an academic boot camp that everyone goes through in order to see if you have what it takes to survive at Georgia Tech.....or just college in general. It's breaks my heart to see that a lot of people didn't even make it through that phase. I know that it definitely wasn't academics that messed people up. Well, I take that back. There is definitely a benefit in doing well in school, but that's definitely not the only reason. Anyway, enough about that. I am just happy to be here, happy about my classes, happy about my jobs (whether it be PL'ing, duty-ing, floor mom-ing, etc.), happy that Jesus loves me, happy that I am learning to love others, and just happy in general. How long it will last? I don't know, and I don't care. I am going to revel in it as long as possible.

*I just want to live.*
~ Good Charlotte


~

I'll Sleep When I Die

[1:30 in the morning, talking about losing functionality when you don't sleep]

Tamara: You know they say people who have little sleep are pretty much drunk.
Jane: really?
Tamara: Yeah, they say you might as well have XYZ amount of Blood alcohol content and that's how you function.
Jane: I have brown eyes.

[silence]

Tamara: Go to bed, Jane.

Suitcase of Memories

Dude. My dad stepped on my glasses this morning. Even as I type right now I am constantly readjusting my frames so that my one-legged babies can readjust to their current crippled status. I didn't mean to fall asleep last night with them on...I just remember watching Futurama, and then all of a sudden it was morning. I wonder though.....I have been asking my parents for some new frames....and I have gotten tired of these ones.....in fact, I am thinking about switching to contacts....was this an indirect ploy by my subconscious, a scheduled plan by the ID inside of me to get rid of the old and bring in the new???? I wonder...

All I know is that I can't drive without glasses, so I need to come with the a solution. ASAP.

My family visited with my great aunts and uncles yesterday after church. Other than the fact that I was the one that had to drive all the way to Grayson, Ga, it was a lot better than I expected. I remember when I was younger, like in my early teens, I would always grimace when we had to go call on older relatives. I think it was because I was caught in the awkward age where you were too old to get money just for looking cute but too young to get advice on life or other stuff. I basically felt like it was a stare-down match between people who were too old to understand me and too old to care. I guess since I am getting older and maturer, I can only be happy that my eyes are being opened more and more to what a blessing family is. When we were there, although I did not get to talk that much with my aunts and uncles (I actually napped a little bit), it was the atmosphere of family ties that really got me. I loved sitting there, listening to my 82-year-old aunt talk about life, love, and her aspirations of marriage (since she has never been married). I loved listening to my uncle talk about his old church in New York, and how it was pastoring for so many years. I even loved when they made us grandchildren stand up there like the von Trapp family singers, singing "Oh Lord, How Excellent". But my favorite, favorite part of the evening was when everyone gathered around in my uncle's family room and sang "I Love You Lord/Sweet Holy Spirit". I loved how there were so many generations of one family in one room, singing praises to the Lord. It seemed as though the minor grievances that were ever an issue weren't even important because blood IS thicker than water. It was beautiful, and I hope I can remember that moment forever.

As I get older and look back on all of the time that I wasted trying to be older, trying to have more responsibility, just trying to lose time, I realize that life is so much better when it's taken one day at a time. So that's what I'm going to do. Starting now. Well, maybe tomorrow.

I read "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom in basically one sitting yesterday. This is a good book to read to if you don't understand what I am talking about when I say "carpe diem". In fact, that book is required reading for anyone that reads this post. Haha, suckered you into that one. Let me know how you like it.


*Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.*
~Mark Twain

Running too Far Ahead

I realize that I am very paranoid about sharing things, especially on the Internet. I think this is a valid concern, but sometimes I feel hindered in my blogging, especially on this blog. I have a lot of feelings, and sometimes I wish that I could just type them without worrying that someone is going to take what I've written and run away with it. I am afraid to feel vulnerable about the one thing that I know that I can truly call my own. This is why I don't post my poems on this blog (or any blogs, for that matter). MY ultimate fear is that I post my poetry and one day I will see it on someone else's site, and that person is taking all of the credit for my life story. The very thought of this possibility really irks me......I mean really irks me.

And yet, I still feel the need to vent. I still want to share what I want to share without worrying about how someone will use the things that I say. I just want to say things without thinking that I am not making any sense or worse, that I am making too much sense.

But I guess that's why God gave us tongues. I think I shall go vent to one of my unwilling sisters.

*2 AM and I'm still awake writing this song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to...*
~Anna Nalick, "Breathe (2am)"

Confusion is Nothing New

So. Camp Wannaklot. Fricking awesome. I kind of hate to talk about it right now because I am still pretty teary about it. But definitely, DEFINITELY this was one of those experiences that I am going to carry with me for the rest of my life. I have definitely decided that if I am in the country next year this time around next year, I am going to do it. And if anyone else is in the country and they are over the age of 18, they should too. Period. No excuses.

So...very interesting, this feeling in my heart, in my soul....I wonder if my mind and my heart are currently at peace. I think everything can and will be resolved if I read my Bible. Yup, that's what I'm going to do.

I had a great talk with two of my fellow counselors on one of the days of camp. We were talking about biblical courtship and the un-necessity (new word, like it?) of dating around because of the consequences, etc. It's always nice to talk to Christians--I mean people who honestly seek after God--because if your heart is honestly seeking after the Lord, you can almost always recognize the kindred spirit of another Christ-Seeker. I think that is awesome. This is the quote the surfaced in our empowering talk:

*A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man must seek Him to find her.*

True....true.

I think I'm going to get some ice cream.



p.s. I think I used the word "seek" at least 5 times in this post. Rock on, Tams, ROCK ON.

Note to Self

I have decided what my wedding song is going to be. I hope my husband is OK if we play "Time after Time" at our reception. I have been thinking about what song was going to play, but I now know. Thank you, VH1's "100 Greatest Songs of the 80's".

Word of God Speak

You can not tell me that my God is not real. A man who has never seen a sunrise, who has never heard a bird sing, who has never witnessed via the carnal senses the glory of the Lord.....this man still has felt the presence of the Lord. Leonard still knows the power of our God and he knows the power of his wonderful name........what kind of love is this? Thank you, Jesus.

Fingerprints of God

It has been a while since I have blogged. Instead of wasting time talking about how much I missed it, I won't.

Run, thoughts, run.

I have been having a grand old time for the past couple of weeks. I hate the new "Weakest Link"....the host is so obnoxious. And not funny. I am kind of excited about getting to vote in the upcoming election. It feels great to let my voice be heard.

I really liked Philadelphia. It was so refreshing to be in a place of hundreds of other Christians who were my age, just praising and worshiping the Lord. I loved it because being there helped me to remember that God does know my name, and he does have a specific plan just for my life....

I am starting to care more and more about those who have never heard the name of Jesus/have no idea of Its significance. I guess this makes sense since I am a Christian and everything, but I think I am starting to get to the point where I kind of just want to get out there and do something. Seriously. Someone once told me a long time ago that I was going to be an activist when I got older. I didn't believe them till today. Go figure.

I have my driving test on Thursday. I am curious to see how I am going to do. I am honestly kind of freaking out .....I don't want to fail. I know that's a horrible way of thinking, but that's kind of where I am right now. I don't think I will. Gah.

I would hate to be a child star. It's kind of a lose-lose situation. If you are doing drugs/rehab (Lohan), then it's kind of expected of you. If you are doing something good like running a Christian TV show (Kirk Cameron), you are looked upon as a religious freak. This world is just so twisted.

1 John is a good book.

Sometimes I wish there was some sort of tap that I could turn whenever I wanted to pour out my thoughts without feeling like I left some thoughts behind. Alas, this is never the case.

Flee, fight, follow, and be faithful. Always.

Pray for the Kenya missions team!

I don't want to go

to Vacation Bible School.

For purely selfish reasons, of course. I did not volunteer for VBS for the first time this year since like 2000, because my mom was always either the head of it or one of the heads. I was the one who headed the puppet ministry. I was the one who stuck my hand up puppet's butts, year after year, making children laugh at the expense of my goofy voice. Well this year is a whole nother ballgame. I just found out yesterday that the person that I worked with last year is going to do the puppet show this year. Without me. I am not mad at that person, of course. If anything, I am mad at myself. Why didn't I wake up earlier for the volunteer orientation? Oh well, these things are meant to happen like this, I suppose. I guess when I walk in there today I won't be mad. Actually, writing this has helped me not to be mad. Bring on the puppets!


Sometimes it is painful to be so flirtatious. But I am learning. My whole family had a really good talk last night at my aunt's house about religion and things. Sometimes I forget how many God-filled people I am surrounded by. They are so awesome.

I always think that I am over someone, but then something happens that makes me remember about the person and how awesome they are, or how much they hurt me. I wish sometimes that I didn't write so much about what I am thinking, because going back to read the stuff makes the hurt resurface as though it never left. Which I realize means that I never let it go in the first place.... Reggie preached about the restoration that we sometimes need to give people who are hurting. He was talking about the fact that so many people are discouraged from going to church because a lot of times those in the church condemn them for their past mistakes. When I left the church building I kept thinking about the different people that I have written off as lost causes for various sins. What was funny was that it was really hard for me to think about restoring the people that have hurt me. I am learning that I take things extremely personally. This is not a very healthy thing to do.

*sigh*

My birthday was great.

So I was watching Animal Planet last night (AP has become one of my favorite channels to watch), and there was a special on about octopuses and one of the commentators was a wildlife journalist. A lightbulb went off in my head and I have now made it my future aspiration to be a wildlife journalist. Let's hear it!!!

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you will be a mile away. And you'll have their shoes." ~I forgot

I didn't even get to say goodbye

And here it is.

I swear I wasn't ready. I just turned around and it was here.

I didn't mean to leave it so soon.

I would have stopped myself if I had thought about it.

I have so much more to say.

I have so much more to think about.

Mull about.

Complain about.

Worry about.

Why didn't it stop me before I left?

Is this caring a one-way street?

Am I the only one that cares that I'm gone?


Yeah. My birthday is here. I kind of feel like I am the only one who is thinking about yesterday. Is that normal? I really think that I can't stop. I kind of feel like I am riding on a bicycle that's going downhill towards an abyss that I never wanted to experience in the first place. It's weird because now it's here there is nothing I wouldn't give to go back to yesterday. To prevent this post from sounding like a Beatles song, I end with a happy birthday to me.

~

Tired of being tired

One thing I have begun to wonder is if I will ever get that feeling that I am doing it right.

Creature of the Night

Look at me. Actually, you can't. If you could, you wouldn't be reading this blog. I am up for the umpteenth night in a row at an ungodly hour. And once again, I don't feel sleepy. You see, my downfall is taking naps at 7, 8:00 in the evening and then feeling "refreshed" for many hours more. Dude. Not cool.

I have declared to my aunt the temporary status of a nun. I think this is necessary...and I am not mad about it. I actually had a good talk with her on Saturday. She told me about how she met her husband (at a Campus Crusade for Christ summer conference) and how God kept putting them in the right place at the right time. He lived in California, and she lived in Georgia, but they still courted across the country via letters (actual snail mail) after that summer. They only saw each other once again before he proposed the following summer, and then they were married the summer after that. 15 years and 5 children later, Auntie Sharon has now become my source of inspiration. All of this time that I am sitting here worrying about how things should occur, I realize that God just wants me to fall more and more in love with Him. Who would have thought? Man, I am not even going to pretend that this is going to be easy (after all, players gotta play), but I am surrendering this to God, now.

You can call me Mother Superior Herculaneum. I think it has a nice ring to it.



So apparently this is what I would look like if I fell into a vat of artificially colored blueberries. Tell the Blue Man group to watch out...TamTam is a new force to be reckoned with.

I still don't know what I am doing for my birthday.



"It never rains when you want it to." ~Norah Jones

Truth Spoke in Whispers

I love Norah Jones. Ever since I first heard "Don't Know Why" on the radio she became one of my favorite artists. I have all of her CDs and I can listen to them on repeat anytime, anywhere, and often. She is so soothing. She always reminds me of summer days right after the rain, within twilight, right before the fireflies come out. This has always been the best time of the day in my opinion. It always makes me think about the day that just ended, and the night that is just beginning...





"Humble Me" is my favorite song by Norah. I still don't completely understand the words, but there is something about it that makes me sit back and just breathe, every time I hear it. I think the song is about her dealing with finding closure after tough times (with her ex-spouse, in this case). I think its about dealing with people that you have to cut out of your life even though you don't hate them. I think the song is about caring in spite of the past hurts. I think the song is about loving people despite what they have done to you, just as Jesus loved us. I think the song is about learning to live in the humility of salvation, even past self-destructive relationships.

You know, this song had more to do with me than I thought.

Here are the lyrics...whenever I hear them I get chills.

Went out on a limb
Gone too far
Broken down at the side of the road
Stranded at the outskirts and sun's creepin' up

Baby's in the backseat
Still fast asleep
Dreamin' of better days
I don't want to call you but you're all I have to turn to

What do you say
When it's all gone away?
Baby I didn't mean to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart,
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to

You humble me Lord
Humble me Lord
I'm on my knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
Please, please, please forgive me

Baby Teresa got your eyes
I see you all the time
When she asks about her daddy
I never know what to say

Heard you kicked the bottle
And helped to build the church
You carry an honest wage
Is it true you have someone keeping you company?

What do you say
When it's all gone away?
Baby I didn't mean to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to

You humble me Lord
Humble me Lord
I'm on my knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
Please, please, please forgive me

Yeah...I definitely understand the song now....

~

The Woes of Missionary Dating....and Other Things

My mother asked me the other day if I would ever consider dating someone that wasn't saved. I said no, naturally (or not so much), but as soon as I said so I thought about missionary dating. I know it is not what we are supposed to be doing as Christians, because we can't be unequally yoked and we would be influenced by the world more than they would be by our Gospel etc etc....but wouldn't that be something if we could? I mean it is possible and there are cases where the spouse has brought their sig. o to the gospel, but I guess I am just thinking about the power Christians would have if we could do something like that. Plus, all cute guys should be Christian. That is just my personal opinion.

I have had a pretty good week. I like the fact that I have fallen out of my funk or whatever that bad attitude that I described earlier. I really think that it was because I hadn't been reading my Bible. It always seems like this happens, though. I just like that God's love never changes. I like that he always knows what I am thinking, even when I am thinking about thinking about God, if that makes sense.

Man....God is really good.

You know, cursing has been something that I have wrestled with ever since I reentered the public school system in the 9th grade. I have never really cursed out loud...maybe three or four times ever before I came to Tech. For some reason last semester I found myself thinking more and more colorful thoughts as time went on (things got pretty rough) and occasionally I would utter said thoughts in the presence of friends. I really didn't think that this was a big deal. However recently I was caught in the midst of an altercation between two parties that are very dear to me. Words were said that could have formed a whole new color spectrum, and I was hurting, even though I wasn't even in the fight. I personally think that these words really serve no purpose. I have decided I really don't want them in my vocabulary anymore. Ever. They do not make me sound smarter and I think they can only sound stupid/awkward when I say them. That's all. My mouth (and soon my mind) will be as clean as an Orbitz commercial.

I started with the National Wildlife Federation today. It was pretty cool and not strenuous at all. Everyone there is so nice. I look forward to working with them in the future.

I really don't know what I am doing for my birthday next Friday. Amanda's birthday, too.

Yay, I am probably going to the library on Saturday with my friend. She is an English major at Georgia State, so she had no objection to indulging me. I really hope that we go (Leronia, if you are reading this, don't break my heart).

I need tea.

Tea = Delicious

You know, I always thought that my addiction to tea was a seasonal thing that would die down after a while. I realize after about a year or two that my love for tea has only increased to a level just under obsession. I have two cups of tea a day on average, and I have an empty feeling inside whenever I have less. I think I might have a problem, but I am OK with that. I am not going to say that I could quit whenever I wanted, because I would be lying....

But it's all good.

These new facebook features are kind of weak. Now you can rearrange your page so when people look at it your photos may be higher than your posted items, or your educational information may be higher than your personal information. Whoopdy darn doo. No but I do think it's interesting/creepy that now you can see if someone is online on AIM from facebook. If facebook wasn't stalker-friendly before, now it is efficiently.

I want to go see Shrek the Third. It looks kind of funny. I think I'll wait till it comes to the dollar theater, though...you know...when I can afford it.

It's never hurt so much to be a broke college student.


"There are 11 solutions to the oak tree in Arizona." ~J.S.

very partial, I am

To this here blog.

I am getting less and less fond of the following:

Facebook
Television
Youtube
Instant Messaging

And more and more fond of the following:

Books
Blogging
Reciting Poetry
My camera/Photography
Researching random facts
Sleeping



I think this is a good thing. I don't really feel like being still right now, but this seems to be what I am doing right now. I just feel extremely restless. Gah. I just want to run somewhere. Just go. I wish I had my license right about now. I think there is a conspiracy that my parents are involved in that is preventing me from doing this.

I think I have been in a bad mood lately. Not the type of bad mood that would put me in the time-out corner if I was younger, but the type that makes me seem like I'm brooding all of the time. I really don't mean to brood. I guess I am in just one of those moods.

I woke up this morning with the worst headache that would not go away. I also felt nauseous and I thought that I would lose the breakfast that I hadn't even had yet. I felt this way for a long time until at last Amanda suggested "hey, Tamara, you might be dehydrated." DING DING DING. I have been sipping on blessed H2O ever since.

I am going to go on campus sometime this week. I just have to get out of here....

I can say no more. I am being watched.


"A very very un-birthday to you!!" The Tea Party of Alice in Wonderland

neglectful daughter

I am starting to realize that in the midst of my quest to build the perfect summer reading list, I have been slipping on reading the most important book of all. That is a problem.

I wonder more often than not if I made the right decision. After I received the go-ahead from so many people, when I said "yes" I kinda expected that the fireworks would have cued up, the orchestra would have begun to play, and the credits would have rolled as I resumed life in the "happily ever after" section. I think this is the exact opposite for me.

For my whole life I have been in a position of security within my family. Throughout my whole schooling career there has never been a time where I was without one of my sisters or cousins...I was homeschooled, for goodness' sake! But the thing is now I am assuming a role that neither of my sisters are trying to be involved in, and I feel weird. I don't know how to deal with this feeling of unrest, other than talk to God about it.

It's not like I wasn't warned about this feeling of indecision/confusion. Because I was. I heeded the advice, but I still kind of threw myself into this with romantic ideals--ideals that seem to be dropping like flies with each passing day.

Right now, I think the only that I can do is not try and just be. I don't want to change myself because of my surroundings. I have resolved that this is not my battle, so I give it to the Lord. He can care a lot better than I can (1 Peter 5:7). So there it is.

on another unrelated note....

I wonder if I was to blame. I wonder if I made the right decision. I wonder also if I was the only one at fault. I wonder if it's too late to make amends. I really wonder what would happen if I had just apologized and ended the feud, and if this would have made things better than the long silence. The answer to the last question is already known to me....and I do not regret anything. I feel OK because I decided not to be a doormat. And I am truly OK with that.


Although my camera was my birthday present to me, I still kind of want a n___ r___. But that is currently out of my budget. Ugh. I am going to owe Kimberly 5 dollars.



"You smell like dead bunnies." Ralph Wiggum

choppa style. chop chop choppa style.

Summer reading list thus far:

The Name (Franklin Graham)
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Ella Enchanted
Invisible Man
.....

I need at least 5 more books. Crap. I need to go to the library. And pay my library fines.


Sunchips = good.




Mr. Salt: Wonka. Butterscotch? Buttergin? You running something on the side here?
Willy Wonka: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.


~~~

Blessed is (s)he who expects nothing

For (s)he is never disappointed.


I am liking this summer so far. The only thing about this summer that I have a problem with is it seems that I am only spending money and not making it...this is starting to pose a problem as I budget out the next 3 months. Therefore, if anyone wants to go to the movies, hang out at the mall, go to an amusement park, or do anything that involves coming out of pocket......

Your treat.


I volunteered at my brother's school today. I never realized how much I look like a middle schooler until I entered a middle school. Everywhere I turned if I wasn't getting stopped by a teacher saying "where are you going young lady" I was getting hit on by a 13 year old boy whose voice hadn't even changed. Kids these days. I had to flash my "chaperone" badge so many times today.......good times, though. And I am probably going to chaperone again on Friday for the 8th grade dance. This should be fun.

I wanted Natasha to win......but I still applaud Jaslene.

I feel bad for having so many malicious thoughts toward my cousin Tobias today. I know he is just a child, but kids can be frustrating. It's all good, though. I hope that he doesn't hate me for falling asleep on him today. All I remember is him crawling all over me, saying "Wake up!" I think if this 2-year-old was screaming "FIRE!" I still wouldn't have awakened, though...I was tired.

I never know how to end blogs without feeling awkward, so I'll end with a random movie quote.

Danielle: You are the only mother I have ever known. Was there a time, even in its smallest measurement, that you loved me at all?
Baroness Rodmilla De Ghent: How can anyone love a pebble in their shoe?

"Ever After"

Finally some closure

My pastor from MSTCOG called me today! I love that man. He's like the grandfather I always had but could have always used another one. Anyway, I talked to him about joining the leadership team next semester. In a nutshell Pastor gave his blessing, and he said that he would continue to pray for me that I keep walking in the Lord. I love him so much. It was funny because in a later conversation with my mother Pastor said that he was happy to see that his girls (Amanda, Kim and I) are being "productive and not reproductive". That really put a smile on my face.

My camera came!! I really like it...here is my favorite picture that I have taken:




I think my mom looks really pretty in this picture.


You know what? I am not OK with the recent coyote sightings. I am not OK. My sisters say that they hear them outside late at night, howling. Also, my dog is always whimpering, as though he is being agitated by these foreign cousins. What's also not cool is that we found a scorpion in the house today. I do not want to elaborate on that. I am not OK with unbridled wildlife running around. I love Wildlife, now, don't get me wrong, but this is really not cool.

I miss the Gilmore Girls.

But through it all, I am honestly happy. Joyful, rather. God is really good to me, and it really amazes me how He still loves me so so much even when I act as though I deserve it. He is so awesome.

my eyes doth droop

Which means that it is optimal time to blog.

I don't think that my parents agree with my decisions. I think this is one of those times where I overthink what is going on in life, but I am not sure if they are completely ok with everything that I am deciding as of late (such as summer plans, place of worship, etc). Actually I think I am OK with that because they haven't really talked to me about it and I am only guessing from their reactions (or lack thereof) when I share news with them. It's all good though...I am really not that worried about it.

Today I watched Moulin Rouge. That movie is frickin awesome. I have always been a glutton for musicals, so I didn't really turn on this movie with a chip on my shoulder, but I really really liked this movie. It was so trippy, so bizarre, so anachronistic, and yet so sweet. I really almost cried. Good times.

When are Moze and Ned going to get together? I am getting impatient.

Around this time every summer I always get an itch to go to the library. I need to check and see if I need a new library card. And if I have to pay my library fine. Hmm. We will see.

My mom's birthday falls on Mother's Day every six years. This was one of those years. I don't know if I should feel relieved that I have to worry about fewer gifts or doubly obligated to buy more gifts for her. This is a conundrum that will plague me for the rest of my life. At least, every six years.

I don't know why I have been in the mood to write in choppy sentences lately. Mrs. Hartley would kill me if she knew.


I want my camera to come.

feeling the same way

I am doing some sort of spring cleaning with my blogs. I am going back and reading my old posts on xanga....I have grown so much. I feel like I have a completely different mindset on life. And yet, whenever I look back at all of the results of the personality quizzes that I took (because I do save them), I realize that I haven't changed that much at all. Here are some of the results:

Your Element is Fire

Your power color: red

Your energy: hot

Your season: spring

Like a fire, you are full of power and light.
A born leader, you easily draw people toward you.
You are full of courage and usually up for anything dangerous.
You have a huge ego and love to be the center of attention.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.
Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...
But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.
You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

hello dolly

I am kinda tired right now. I need to go to bed. I have been praying for the wisdom to go to bed when I need to. I am excited about going to Philadelphia this summer, even if it's only for 4 days. I love going to conferences, so I am ecstatic about this. I am also happy because this is the first time I am going somewhere way way out-of-state without my sisters or my parents--not counting Florida.

My pastor said that he is going to call me tonight. It's about the fact that I am leaving the church for a while to dedicate myself to ministry with JCA. I feel like a celebrity because he's going to call me.

I'm hot coz I'm fly.

I have a digital camera coming in the mail, so I am pretty excited about that. Last time I owned a camera (not counting a disposable one), it was a Crayola camera and it was 35 mm and I ran out of film because I took random pictures of things like people's feet or the TV when something was on. My point is, when I get this camera I am going to probably do the same thing....except I will call it art this time around.

It was storming outside yesterday really badly--there is something about the rain hitting the windowpane that makes me feel all poetic or whatever, but I wrote this really cool poem and I really really like it. It is one of the few poems that I have written that doesn't rhyme at all. When I had other people read it, they interpreted it so much differently than how I planned it to be....

Poetry is so cool!! I write it like a type of catharsis...it helps me breathe.


I wonder if I should stop flirting the way I do. There is this guy at my home church that I have been really friendly with lately for no particular reason. I think he is cute, but I never know how to stop when the guy starts to flirt back. I feel bad because one side of me says "no way, Tam Tam, you are headed into trouble because you are into someone else" (because I am), but the other side says "go for it, what's the problem? It's not like you are seeing anyone right now or anything". I don't know which side to listen to, but I am pretty sure I am going to just leave it alone. I wonder if flirting has its limits, and if I overstep them often.

Did I mention that the guy is much older than me?

I am trying not to do this, because I think that it's more out of vanity than anything. Whenever I flirt, I usually have in the back of my mind "why wouldn't you want me?" But I now realize the truth of someone's quote on their Facebook profile: "Confidence is sexy, arrogance is not."

Yeah...I am just going to leave it alone...for now.

I am going to go write down my poem and then type it and then post it on one of my other blogs. If you want to read it just message me....I am really paranoid about my poetry...I always think that the Poet Swiper is reading this and conspiring the way to hack into my ultra-secret blogs.


I have said too much.


I leave on this note:
Poet Swiper is watching you.

Tamara's Summer To-Do List 3000

Tamara!!! Get off of your butt and do something this summer!!!! GET UP!!

You will do this by August 6 (check off when done):

o Obtain your license by the end of June

o ---Learn how to parallel park

o Read 8-10 Books

o Do at least 7 community service projects

o Write 5 short stories

o Write 3 chapters of you know what

o Go to Thomaston

o Go to Philadelphia (!)

o Visit JCA at least 3 times

o SLEEP!!!!

o Limit your Facebook to 3 times a day

o Exercise every other day

o Cut down on your sweets

o Drink tea……lots and lots and lots of tea!

o Cut TV time to no more than 3-4 hours a day

o Cut down computer time

o Have QT at least 30 minutes a day

o Buy a digital camera before the end of May

o Figure out how to make some money

o ---Look for a part-time job

o Travel to somewhere….Barbados?????

o DON’T—REPEAT—DON’T BE A BUM!!!!!

Youh Cahn DOO EEEET!!!!!!!!!

mee moe mum

I just discovered this brown streak that I have at the front of my hair. I really like it. I am so frustrated....as usual. I am praying and deciding, deciding and praying. I think I might just need to be praying. I need to change my attitude. I am going to go walk outside. I love lounging outside...I have even begun to doze out there....but I think I am going to have to stop that since apparently there are coyotes running loose around Georgia. I am afraid.

I realize that my happiness is found in less of me and more of Him (thanks, Shane and Shane......and John the Baptist).

I am beginning to realize that I have ultimate favorites. I used to think that I was a flip-flopper with a type of John Kerry allegiance to anything that falls under my "favorite" file, but I realize that as I get older my taste buds namely are becoming more partial to a smaller range of items such as those following. Here is a small list of my undying faves:

M&Ms--Milk Chocolate
Strawberry Shortcake Ice Cream
Tea
Tea
Tea


OK. So maybe my list was a lot shorter than I thought. It's all good. I'll add more once I think of it.


Yay, I am glad I am getting over laziness, for the most part. I am trying not to be a bum this summer. I have a summer To-Do list. I'll post it right after this post.

That song by Desperation called "Amazed" is my current favorite song. Here are the lyrics

You dance all around me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
Lord I'm amazed by you
How you love me

I am going to write a book.

Oh my fricking gosh

I am so tired gosh goodness goodness man I miss just blogging for the heck of it. Did you guys miss me? Yeah well

I am so tired. If you didn't get it the first time.

I don't want to study anymore. I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I switched my major. I am going through a lot of transition right now, I realize.

I love God.

I keep telling people that I want to move to a mountaintop in Switzerland when I leave school. I laugh because they don't think I'm serious. Sometimes I just want to disappear off of the face of this earth. This thought is far from suicidal. It really is. I think I just like the thought of being missed. I love leaving because it's so much sweeter when I return. I just want to go right now. Just go. I wish it was 24 hours from now, and I was out of school. OK, I am going to stop procrastinating now.

I think I am going to do this more often :D

I am thinking about you......do you know???

Of course you don't.......only 4 people in this world know.....and you, my dear, are not one of them.

I just wish I wasn't guessing all of the time.

Anyhoo. Holler.